Just another dark day in Canadian-American relations

By BRUCE LOWITT

Rep. Scott Perry, R-Conflagration, blamed Joe Biden for the delayed start of Thursday’s Major League baseball game between the San Diego Padres and Pittsburgh Pirates, saying the president’s failure to control America’s northern border allowed lingering smoke from Canadian wildfires to invade Pennsylvania.

“If Donald Trump was still our president, which I firmly believe he still is but the activist courts in our country have decided he isn’t and won’t be until next year’s election, then we wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of breathing the foul non-American air that has polluted my home state,” said Perry, chair of the cyanide-producing House Freedom Caucus, his voice muffled by the World War II gas mask he was wearing in his Washington, D.C., office.

The game in Pittsburgh’s PNC Park began 45 minutes after its scheduled 12:35 p.m. start due to the poor air quality from fires burning in Quebec whose smoke was pushed south by a storm system off the coast of Nova Scotia.

Rep. Kevin McCarthy, R-Toady, demanded that the game be replayed in its entirely after San Diego, despite leading 4-0 in the fourth inning, lost 5-4, with the Pirates’ Henry Davis hitting a tie-breaking single in the seventh that dropped the Padres eight games back in the wild-card race with half the season remaining.

“There’s no way the Padres, who breathe the cleanest air in the nation, should have had to play in foul-smelling Pittsburgh, which I remember being called ‘Smoky City’ and ‘Hell With The Lid Off’ when it lived off coal and steel,” said McCarthy, a native and resident of Bakersfield, Calif., known by many as the Home of the American Weasel.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that this great American game of ours should not be tainted by fumes from a country that cares more about curling and playing football on 110-yard fields – What the hell is that? Some kind of metric thing? – than it does baseball and won’t stop immigrants and aliens from crossing their border and ours,” McCarthy added. “If they’re not going to build a wall to keep their dirty air in, we’re going to build one to keep it out.

“If you ask me, Canada set the fires on purpose to create a smokescreen to hide all the immigrants coming here,” McCarthy said, “those poutine-eating Canucks who think their cheese curds are better than Wisconsin’s, and sneakin’ in Canadian ‘bacon’ that ain’t even real bacon and ain’t nowhere near as tasty as what we make from Iowa’s hogs.”

Told by an aide that Canada, specifically Toronto, also has a Major League baseball team and that Montreal had a team that moved to Washington, D.C., McCarthy replied, “When did all that happen? Why wasn’t I told?”

The smoke also has affected Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Minnesota, Kentucky and West Virginia.

“Give me a roster of representatives from those states,” Perry said, “so I can decide just how much of a shit I give about them.”