The PGA Tour and LIV Golf: bigger balls than anyone ever imagined

By BRUCE LOWITT

The PGA Tour and rival LIV Golf bankrolled by Saudi Arabia have agreed to merge because, as PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan explained, “monopolizing our game works, and it turns out that sportswashing works as well.”

“From now on, anyone who wants to play golf for anything more than a two-bit Nassau or a prop bet among guys at a country club or on a public course is going to have to deal with us,” Monahan said, meaning the PGA, LIV Golf and DP World Tour, better known as the PGA European Tour).

“From now on, we’re where the money is – all of it. But let me make one thing clear; I’m not the only one calling the shots. I’m only half of this arrangement. The other half is their crown prince and you don’t want to cross him. I know I don’t. Lets face it, MBS is one ruthless S.O.B. ”

The agreement combining the PGA Tour and LIV Golf commercial businesses and rights will operate under a for-profit company whose name and slogan have yet to be selected. Among those being considered: We Own The World; If It’s Green It’s Ours; and Pay Fore Play.

Monahan said that to to be sure the control of the pro game is absolute, the PGA and LIV have copywrighted “golf”, “tour”, “ball(s)”, “club(s)”, “cart”, “bag”, “champion”, “drive(r)”, “putt(er)”, “chip”, “shot”, “sand”, “green”, “fairway”, “tee”, “yips” and 57 other words associated with the sport.

The PGA Tour spent millions suing LIV Golf before deciding that Saudi Arabia’s sportswashing – sponsoring a rival tour to distract from its human rights violations – was paying off, at which point the PGA’s philosophy became “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”

Monahan said the idea of the PGA joining hands with LIV Golf “picked up steam when I saw how pro wrestling and MMA called a truce.”

On April 4, Vince McMahon’s World Wrestling Entertainment, the leader in scripted phony matches, merged with UFC, owned by Endeavor Group, which stages brutal, vicious mixed martial arts events for bloodthirsty crowds who realize professional wrestlers are musclebound actors that get hurt only by accident.

“I mean, if those mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging morons could figure out how to stop making a bunch of lawyers richer, why not us?” Monahan said.

A year ago, when the upstart tour debuted, he tore into it, saying PGA players who joined it would never be welcomed back, that the two tours could never coexist and that he would never deal with LIV Golf.

“Well, I was misunderstood,” he said. “What I said was there wasn’t enough money in the world that would make me turn my back on the PGA golfers. Turns out there was enough money in the world, the Saudis have it, and I’m going to get a chunk of it.”

Donald Trump predicted this deal almost a year ago, writing on his Truth Social platform: “All those golfers that remain ‘loyal’ to the very disloyal PGA … will pay a big price when the inevitable merger with LIV comes and you get nothing but a big ‘thank you’ from PGA officials who are making Millions of Dollars a year.”

Tuesday, the former president sued the PGA Tour and LIV Golf for $1-billion, saying the merger was his idea. But he said he’d take half that if they agreed to name the new entity “Trump Golf” and pay him an annual licensing fee and his son Eric a stipend as an intern.

LIV threw millions of dollars at PGA Tour players, attracting Phil Mickelson, Dustin Johnson, Brooks Koepka, Bryson DeChambeau and others who decided that taking heat by taking money from a government accused of racism, torture, murder and terrorism was worth the aggravation.

“I don’t condone human rights violations at all; nobody here does,” Mickelson said. “I mean, they execute people for being gay over there. But did you ever see me personally tell a Saudi woman who she could or couldn’t marry? Did you ever see me personally throw someone in jail for protesting something? Did you ever see me personally dismember a journalist? No! So what’s the problem?”

Rory McIlroy, who remained loyal to the PGA Tour, turning down as much as $300-million from LIV Golf to join its circuit and vehemently criticizing fellow golfers for abandoning the PGA for million-dollar payoffs, was philosophical when told of Monahan’s announcement.

“Fuck him!” McIlroy said.