Welcome to Tuberville: Celebrating the 19th Century

By BRUCE LOWITT

With the departure of Louie Gohmert of Texas, the Republican Party has chosen Sen. Tommy Tuberville of Alabama to be their biggest liability in Congress, silently supporting his stance on white nationalism and his blocking of hundreds of military promotions.

Gohmert, R-Imbecile, retired in January after 17 years of fomenting conflict, anger and unfounded conspiracy theories in order to mount an unsuccessful campaign to become Texas’ attorney general. But voters decided idiocy wasn’t as important as criminality and reelected Ken Paxton, recently impeached over allegations of bribery and abuse of office.

“I wouldn’t do half the things Ken’s accused of,” Gohmert said during a telephone interview. “I mean, do I look that stupid? … Hello? … Hello?”

Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Coalmine, announcing the elevation of Tuberville, R-Shitkicker, called him “the man most capable of leading our party further into the toilet.” McConnell’s comment enraged several of his colleagues.

Sen. Rand Paul, R-Hairpiece, complained, “My suggestion that we solve the debt-limit crisis by not spending any more money on anything ever again surely qualifies me to be the laughingstock of the Senate. Besides, my father ran for president three times knowing he didn’t have a chance in hell of making it. That alone should earn me something.”

Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Cancun, disputed McConnell’s choice by reminding him, “John McCain once called me a wacko bird. Right there’s enough to give me the title, but don’t forget my abandoning Texas when the snow began to fall.”

“That’s nothing. I can act stupider than anyone around here,” Sen. Joni Ernst, R-Squeal, said as she whipped out her Smith & Wesson nine-millimeter pistol and waved it around while doing donuts on her Harley in the Rotunda, sending senators and journalists scrambling for cover.

The mayhem interrupted a scuffle involving Sens. Ron Johnson, R-Harlem; Lindsey Graham, R-Suckup, and Josh Hawley, R-Sprinter, who had been slap-fighting over the microphone McConnell had abandoned following his announcement.

Tuberville’s primary qualifications to become a legislator were 21 seasons as a college football coach (10 at Auburn University) and co-founder of a now-defunct foundation bearing his name which The Associated Press called “a questionable charity that raises money but gives very little away.”

He was elected to the Senate in 2020 and, as a freshman, became Alabama’s senior senator when Richard Shelby retired after 2022 following six terms. By then, though, Tuberville had established his credentials as both an ignorant moron and a threat to democracy.

“Even before the polls opened in 2020 I was saying the Electoral College count would be rigged and that I was going to be defeated by Doug Jones. I mean, that guy actually knows how gummint works and stuff,” Tuberville said, “so the fact that I became senator, how the blazes do you figure that? The election had to be rigged. … But once I got sworn in, I figured, heck, I might as well take advantage.

“So this business about the Pentagon paying to help with so-called health care, where is it written that people in the Army and whatever the other parts of the Pentagon are called, where is it written that they can get pregnant, especially on ships or in airplanes? I mean, who gets laid when you’re preparing for war?

“As for that other stuff I said, let me tell you this: I’m white and I’m a nationalist,” Tuberville said. “Does that make me a white nationalist? Hell, yeah! Am I a Proud Boy or an Oath Keeper? No, ’cause they never asked me. I mean, I’m proud and I’m a boy. But ask me which bathroom I use.”