Abbott takes a shot at gunplay in Texas

By BRUCE LOWITT

Gov. Greg Abbott admits that the mental health problems responsible for the increase in mass shootings in Texas are primarily his own.

“I don’t know whether it’s my slavish adherence to the Republican party’s love of guns or my love of John Wick movies, or perhaps just my own my stupidity and ignorance,” Abbott said, speaking to the kindergarten class in Cranfills Gap Elementary School.

“But I finally figured out that the bloodshed and deaths are obviously my own responsibility and I can assure you I will do everything in my power to make sure you will be safe,” he said while seven children played with blocks, drew pictures and were unaware of the governor speaking from behind a bulletproof shield and flanked by armed bodyguards.

The unannounced visit by Abbott occurred while he and his staff were passing through Cranfills Gap (population: 282) en route to Waco, 50 miles to the east, where he placed a wreath in honor of David Koresh at the nearby former Branch Davidian site.

“He was hungry and he wheeled in here, him and his boys, and we fed ’em,” said Owen Carlson, owner of the Horny Toad Bar and Grill, “and, well, after a couple of beers – maybe more’n a couple – he asked if we had a public school around here and I told him just over the other side of highway 22 and he said he had an idea about telling the kids what he thought about something and off they went.”

Abbott told the kindergartners about his decision to divert $210.7-million from Texas Health and Human Services, which runs the state’s mental health programs, that he will use it to further militarize the southern border with Mexico, 300 miles from Cranfills Gap.

“It will keep very bad people from coming here and breaking into your school,” he said, “stealing your toys and candy and molesting your teachers. … Wait, scratch that last part.”

One of the boys burst into tears and ran off because Abbott laughed at him when he pooped in his pants.

The governor also said he plans to divert about $80-million from Texas HHS’ programs assisting the elderly, low-income families and veterans in order to supply more armored personnel carriers, water cannons and FN 2000 assault rifles to local sheriffs and police assigned to patrol streets around public schools “because, as we all know, children are our future.”

“And another $25-million to buy ten thousand of them Sharper Image massage chairs. We’ll put ’em in every gun shop in the state. I mean, they’re great,” Abbott said. “Ever sat in one of them suckers, boys and girls? Ask your mommies and daddies. Sink into one of them chairs and let their magic-finger thingies go to work on you and ain’t no way you’ll ever want to shoot up a school. Sweet dreams, kids.”