Carlson and Lemon: Trading Places

By BRUCE LOWITT

In a trade of cable television network news anchors that stunned the Republican Party, CNN acquired Tucker Carlson from Fox and sent Don Lemon to its litigation-burdened rival.

As part of the deal, Fox will pay 50 percent of Carlson’s salary during his first year with CNN and, in exchange, Fox will receive what CNN Chairman and CEO Chris Licht called “two hot blonde reporters to be named later, and we’ll also build a private Hooters on any floor of Fox’s Manhattan headquarters.”

The trade comes one day after the announcements by the two networks that they had parted ways with – i.e., fired – their respective stars.

“Well, we lied,” Licht said.

“Yeah, we’re, uh, really good at that,” Fox Executive Chairman Rupert Murdoch added.

They called the trade a win-win for their respective networks.

“Sex sells,” Murdoch said. “Don may have been a bit, shall we say, intemperate over at CNN but part of his problem was their standards. We don’t have any. Just look at the photos on the walls of our production rooms and the crap we put on air. Don’s kind of mellow but I think with a bit of grooming we can get him out-Tuckering Tucker and he’ll be a great replacement for him.”

“You’re right. Sex does sell,” Licht said. “But you know what sells even better, really drives up the ratings? Racism. Anti-Semitism. Bigotry. Conspiracies. Hatred. Rage. We don’t deal with that the way they do at Fox. Well, we didn’t. I have no doubt Tucker’s going to hit the ground running and bring a few million more viewers along with him.”

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, R-Weasel, who recently gave Carlson roughly 42,000 hours of Capitol police security videos of the Jan. 6, 2021, riot along with his left testicle (Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owns his right one), said Carlson wasn’t answering or returning his phone calls “but I’m sure he’ll be giving it all back to me if I ask him real nice and we can work out a deal the same way I did with my colleagues to get me the speakership.”

Some of his colleagues expressed dismay at the trade.

“I always looked forward to being on Fox with Tucker Carlson,” Greene, R-Xenophobe, said. “I don’t think I’m going to be appearing with his replacement because, well, I don’t like to be around ‘those’ people.”

Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Vitalis, said Carlson’s move has backed him into a corner. “I was lambasting those CNN bastards for the past two years over reporting things I’ve said and done,” he said. “How am I supposed to go on Tucker’s show now? Basically, I’m as screwed as some of those high school … never mind.”

Alex Jones, founder of InfoWars and host of his own show, said Carlson would have been offered guest appearances on his program but not a show of his own “because he can’t match what I spew. Maybe that’s why Fox decided he was expendable. Not enough vitriol.”

But Dan Ball, the high-profile host of Real America on the One America News Network, expressed relief that Carlson has found a new home.

“I thought, since our ratings are in the toilet compared with CNN and Fox and MSNBC and Al Jazeera and RT, that we might go after Tucker and I’d be out on my ass. So I’m good with the trade,” said Ball (not to be confused with either of McCarthy’s).

Donald Trump, running his presidential reelection campaign from his lair in Florida, tweeted: I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT CNN WAS THE BEST AND MOST HONEST NEWS NETWORK AND THIS HIRING OF MY FAVORITE SICOFANT (sic) JUST PROVES MY WISDOM. I NEVER CARED FOR FOX BECAUSE THEY MUSCLED CARLSON AND HANNITY THE WAY YOU HAVE TO MAKE A DOG WEAR A MUSCLE TO KEEP IT FROM BARKING.