‘Chinese Restaurant Syndrome’? DeSantis should know better

By BRUCE LOWITT

Coming on the heels of his decision to ground $200-million worth of Chinese-made drones used by police and firefighters, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has ordered the closing of all 14,729 Chinese restaurants in his state because, he said, “they may also pose a security risk.”

DeSantis, unofficially running for president and officially the United States’ leading autocratic governor, told a private news conference attended by only Newsmax and One America Network, “You never know what secrets those fortune cookies may be passing along to Chinese President Xi Jinping’s agents in our midst.”

The decision was based, he said, on his desire to make Florida the safest state in the nation, which is why he also signed into law a bill allowing the carrying of concealed firearms by anyone anywhere without a permit or training or proof of sanity or stability.

“If someone can conceal an AR-15 on their person, well, those suckers are really big and you have to be pretty smart to figure out how to do that, so I say more power to them,” he said. “People who want to protest about something, anything, they’ll think twice before they do. We don’t need any of these ‘peaceful demonstrations’ disturbing the peace.”

In forbidding the use by state government agencies of drones made by China-based Da Jiang Innovations, which law enforcement agencies say are the world’s best equipped and most popular, Florida is requiring the use of drones made by mostly American-made “approved manufacturers.”

Those drones have received lower approval ratings for, among other things, exploding on takeoff, crashing into police cars and out-of-control hovering over quinceaneras, bar mitzvahs and funerals and are sold primarily on the InfoWars website.

Although he could cite no specific instances of Chinese spying by restaurants in the state, DeSantis claimed an examination by him of a recent serving of 糯米珍珠丸子 (Chinese pearl meatballs with sticky rice) he had at Panda Express in Tallahassee proved conclusively that one of the meatballs actually contained a video transmitter.

“Our enemies are trying to subvert our way of life just as much as I am,” the governor said. “For all we know, the Kung Pao Duo served at the Nine Dragons Restaurant in Disney World has enough MSG in it to make you want to move to Shanghai. It’s what I call Chinese Restaurant Syndrome. I can’t prove it but that’s still a good enough reason for me to want to shut down the whole mouse house.”

But closing restaurants is only part of what DeSantis called his latest bucket list.

“I think there’s a subtle attempt by our Oriental enemy to indoctrinate our preschoolers and grade-schoolers as well,” he said, “so I’m putting a hold on the importation and sale of all China-related children’s books, like Mulan, A Gift For Popo, I Am Golden and Mooncakes.

“And I’m also drawing up a list of Chinese children’s films that I don’t trust, like Little Big Panda, Wish Dragon, Invisible Wings and Bao. You can’t be too careful,” he said. “I mean, The Manchurian Candidate was real, right?”