Trump: Movin’ on down?

By BRUCE LOWITT

Following Donald Trump’s indictment for having paid hush money to a former unknown stripper-turned-former unknown performer in pornographic films, the former president has sued to have his trial moved to Hard Rock Stadium in Miami “because I can’t get a fair trial in New York.”

“Besides,” he said, “this would accommodate my thousands of patriotic supporters who want to be there in person to see me when I’m found completely innocent.”

Trump said he was okay with being formally arraigned, fingerprinted and photographed in downtown New York as long as he is provided with a parade from Trump Tower and down Broadway in a sedan chair carried by a dozen bikini models wielding AR-15s, plus gold handcuffs and a red carpet for his walk from Foley Square into the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse.

“Also, I don’t want the streets down there to be blocked off by security people,” he said. “If my people want to come out to show their support for their president, the government – which everyone knows is totally against me and trying to railroad me – shouldn’t be allowed to stifle the right to assembly, not to mention the right to bear arms and death and destruction like it says in the Declaration of Independence. As I’ve promised before, ‘Will be wild!’ Right?”

After that, he said, he would fly back Tuesday to Florida in what he calls Trump Force One, the aging Boeing 757 he bought after it had been owned by low-cost Danish and Mexican airlines.

“I’ll do a fund-rais- … I mean I’ll speak to supporters Tuesday night at Mar-a-Lago,” Trump said. “And when my trial starts in Miami, my fans will be able to attend it for as little as $40 a day, less than the cheapest seat in the stadium for a Miami Dolphins game.”

Trump also insisted he would bill New York State only for the cost of flying his family, legal team and staffs of Newsmax, OAN, Sinclair Broadcasting, Pyongyang’s 조선중앙텔레비죤 and Moscow-based Канал RTN вещает в Америке to Miami to cover the trial.

“What about us?” Tucker Carlson, Fox Network’s official Christian Nationalist, asked on his nightly NoFactsTonight program, ranked by Nielsen Media Research as the highest rated prime-time show among imbecilic viewers in the 12-to-97 age range.

Trump appeared later in the evening on Ingraham’s Obtuse Angle where, in response to Carlson’s query, the former president muttered “traitor,” then stood, turned away from the camera, and began to lower his trousers before the network cut to a rerun of a Willie Horton ad.

Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg, who has declined to speak with any specificity about the charges against the former president, said he would vigorously oppose any change of venue for the trial “because this is New York and both the Knicks and Rangers are going to be in the playoffs this year and I want to go to as many games as I can.”

“This latest stunt by that saffron-colored sack of shit,” Bragg added, “is just another delaying tactic before he spends the rest of his life wearing a very fashionable saffron-colored jumpsuit in prison – not that I’m prejudging him, mind you.”