The trial of the century – any century

By BRUCE LOWITT

Transcript of the opening of the trial of Donald Trump, former president of the United States, on charges of paying hush money to former adult film star Stormy Daniels, the illegal removal of documents from the White House, violations of the Espionage Act, obstruction of justice, inciting an insurrection, attempts to overturn an election, disrupting the transfer of presidential power, running for office again, dodging the draft, defaulting on debts, gross weight gain, misuse of skincare products, attacks on plumbing, inappropriate and self-aggrandizing branding, violations of the Mann Act for purposes of marrying illegal Eastern European immigrants, unwillingness to read, listen to or comprehend sensible advice, and, according to the U.S. Department of Justice, “repeated jackassness.”

Judge Arthur Engoron: “Is the …”

Donald Trump: “Liar!”

Engoron: “Mr. Trump, please be …”

Trump: “Witch Hunt! Man Hunt! Sea Hunt! Scavenger Hunt! Fox Hunt! Helen Hunt!”

Engoron: “Mr. Trump, if you don’t …

Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg: “Excuse me, your honor, but aren’t you a state supreme court judge? This is a federal trial, your honor.”

Engoron: “I know, but I’ve never tried a slam-dunk case like this one. And I had so much fun slapping him down for Letitia James, I thought I’d give this trial a shot, too. Okay, y’got me. Court is adjourned.”

(Fifteen-minute delay)

Judge Beryl Howell: “Is the …”

Trump: “Li-…”

(Thwack)

Howell: “Counselor, please tell your client to keep quiet or the next time I bring down the gavel it’ll be on your client’s … Wait a minute. Where’s your attorney, Mr. Trump?”

Trump: “I don’t have one. Nobody wants to work without me paying a seven-figure cash advance or signing over Mar-a-Lago.”

Howell: “Well, you’d better get one or I’ll be forced to appoint a public def- …”

Trump: “No! No! Give me a minute.”

(Trump dials cellphone.Conversation unintelligible. Brief pause. Courtroom door opens.)

Rudy Giuliani: “Thank you, your honor. The defense rests.”

Trump: “Wait. What?”

Howell: “I’ll thank you, Mr. Giuliani, not to drip your hair dye all over the furn-… Hold on, counselor. Have you been reinstated to practice law in New York?”

Giuliani: “Well …”

Howell: “Mr. Trump? …”

Trump: “Right.”

(Trump dials cellphone, holds phone away from ear, listening to very loud but unintelligible, unintelligent, bordering on imbecilic, voice. Brief pause. Courtroom door opens.)

Sidney Powell: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF …”

Howell: “Ms. Powell, are you licensed to practice law in New York?”

Powell: “I’m not sure I’m licensed to practice law anywhere.”

Howell: “Mr. Trump?”

Trump: “Look, I’ve called Evan Corcoran, Lindsey Halligan, Chris Kise, Lin Wood, Jim Trusty, Christina Bobb, Jennifer Little, Jenna Ellis, Alina Habba – ooh, they’re all hot – Ron Fischetti, Drew Findling, Dwight Thomas, John Rowley …”

Howell: “Fine, I get it.”

Trump: “… William Consovoy, Cameron Norris, Patrick Strawbridge, Mike Madaio, Peter Ticktin, Jesse Binnall, Joe Tacopina, Johnny Cochrane, Clarence Darrow, Atticus Finch, Jack McCoy, Perry Mason, Vincent Gambini …”

Howell: “Okay, okay, enough. Given the circumstances, he’s all yours, Ms. Powell.”

Powell: “THANK YOU, YOUR …”

Howell: “Just turn it down a notch.”

Powell: “RIGHT. Right. I’d like to call …”

Howell: “Ms. Powell, I believe the prosecution is supposed to go first.”

Bragg: “Oh, let her go first, your honor. What the hell. I’m sure this is going to be good.”

Howell: “Now that you mention it, Mr. Bragg … Ms. Powell, the floor is yours.”

Powell: “I call Kathrine Walker to the stand. … Ms. Walker, what was your relationship with Mr. Trump?”

Katherine Walker: “I produced the first five seasons of The Apprentice. Without that he’d never have become president, for which I am profoundly sorry. We made him look like a successful businessman instead of a total los-…”

Powell: “Thank you, Ms. Walker.”

Trump: “Ms. Walker, you’re fired! Also, you’re not hot. Maybe a four.”

Howell: “Anyone else, Ms. Powell?”

Powell: “I call Al Pacino to the stand.”

Bragg: “Why?”

Al Pacino: “You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order!”

Howell: “Nice try, Ms. Powell. … Look, it’s almost dinnertime. How’s about we call it a day? Court is adjourned. And Mr. Trump? Maybe this time you can go easy on the ketchup?”

(Transcript ends)