What’s next for Aaron Rodgers’ career – and colon?

By BRUCE LOWITT

The Jets will give him an entire floor of his choice and a private elevator in New York’s One World Trade Center. The Saints will give him one quarter of the New Orleans French Quarter for his personal use. The Raiders will give him an ayahuasca franchise on the Las Vegas Strip.

The Carnivore Meat Company of Green Bay will give him a lifetime supply of its ultra-premium freeze-dried and frozen raw pet foods, genomically altered for his consumption, if he will remain the Packers’ quarterback for the remainder of his National Football League career.

And Aaron Rodgers, having recently emerged from his four-day darkness retreat in Oregon, still doesn’t know what he’ll do next season.

“This is the most important decision I’m going to have to make since I proposed to Taylor Sw- … wait a minute. Ignore that. My, uh, mistake,” Rodgers said. “It’s the most important decision I’m going to have to make since I proposed to Shailene Woodley. Wait. Did I propose to her or did she pro- …? Never mind. It’s over. Forget that. It’s the most important football decision I’m going to have to make since ’03 when Cal coach (Jeff) Tedford bought me that Porsche Carre- … Oh, s—! No. I’m wrong. Didn’t happen. We’re cool, right?”

Rodgers, already a guaranteed Hall of Famer whenever he hangs it up, is the NFL’s active GOAT. And he wants to stay that way, not fading into retirement the way Tom Brady did this year, with a losing record in his final season (8-9 with Tampa Bay, only the second one of his career after 0-1 as a rookie with New England).

“Oh, I’ve had a few other losing seasons, including matching Tom’s 8-9 last season,” Rodgers said, “but if I can bounce back, win another Super Bowl and get some more of those bitchin’ State Farm commercials under my belt, maybe I can get a few people to forget about Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. Besides, he’s never going to be as good as Tony Romo is in the TV booth. So there’s that.”

In the interim, Rodgers is contemplating the next way or ways he’s going to go about deciding his future.

He is torn on whether to try mushrooms again. “I know I said that after I took mushrooms on a beach I felt myself merge with the ocean, but I saw a video of the experience some time later and it turns out the only thing I merged with was a hairy 200-pound lifeguard who hauled my ass out of the water and gave me mouth-to-mouth and I can’t get that out of my mind.”

He’s also had residual problems from the ayahuasca plant he tried in South America. “The first couple of times I had a magical experience with the sensation of feeling a hundred different hands on my body imparting a blessing of love,” Rodgers said, “but since then as I fall asleep I have the feeling there’s the hands of a hundred defensive linemen on my body and I wake up screaming.

“And forget the Panchakarma cleanse,” a 12-day Ayurvedic treatment for detoxification, he said. “I didn’t get all the toxins out and – well, lets just say I stunk up the huddle a few times, not to mention an evening at the Republic Chophouse on North Adams after a home game. Cleaned that place out faster than most of my colon.”

He said he’s thinking about a form of high colonic Dr. Oz has recommended to him. “I’m not going to take any of that crap he sells on television,” Rodgers said, “but he claims he knows people who can get me a seat on Old Faithful in Yellowstone.”