Want more offense? The MLB Commish has some big balls

By BRUCE LOWITT

After dramatically changing the face of Major League Baseball for the upcoming season, Commissioner Rob Manfred said he has “even more improvements in mind for 2024, which I think will either speed up or screw up the game even more, depending on your point of view.”

By adding a pitch clock, increasing the size of bases and limiting infielders to where they may position themselves, the commissioner said he expects the game will be more exciting this season and, he hopes, average less than three hours to play.

“That hasn’t happened since the 2011 season,” Manfred said, “and I know there are traditionalists out there who say baseball is supposed to be a pastoral pastime, to be played at a leisurely pace with subtle rhythms.

“Well, f— the old-timers. I want to get rid of the bitching and moaning by talk-radio morons who carry on about how we’re not as exhilarating as football or basketball. Why don’t they complain about golf? Bowling? Curling? They want thrilling? Wait’ll they see what I’m working on.

“You think you’ll like the pitch clock? You’ll love the game clock, two and a half hours from first pitch to game over. Wait’ll you see the scrambling near the end,” Manfred said. “The trailing team will be swinging at everything, trying to take an extra base or steal, anything to catch up.”

After the 1968 season, when batting averages and scoring were sinking dramatically, baseball lowered the mound, boosting both. “But pitching has begun to dominate again so I’m going to lower the mound again – six inches below the rest of the infield this time,” Manfred said. “Let’s see how (Gerrit) Cole and (Justin) Verlander like them apples.”

He also said pitchers and catchers will wear helmets with speakers, like NFL quarterbacks, to allow managers or pitching coaches to call the pitches and, more important, to eliminate boring conferences on the mound.

“The only questions the manager or pitching coach should want to ask his pitcher are ‘How do you feel?’ and ‘Want to pitch to this guy?’ Both can be answered with a nod or shake of the head,” Manfred said. “No conversation. And with the bullpen in front of the dugout – did I mention we’re eliminating those long walks from the outfield? – all the manager has to say is ‘Get in here’ to the guy on the mound and ‘Get out there’ to the reliever.”

Manfred said he’s also sick of pitchers throwing to first base or waving off signs so often. This season he can step off the rubber just twice for each batter; a third one and he’s charged with a balk.

“And in 2024, if a pitcher waves off a sign it’s an automatic ball,” Manfred said. “Second offense to the same batter, a walk. First offense to the next batter, a ball and a balk. Second offense to that batter, a walk and a balk and a pie in the face from the home plate umpire.”

He also said baseball will eliminate the rule limiting a fielder from pitching when games are out of hand, “but he’ll have to wear a rubber red nose and a huge curly wig and the umpire will call balls and strikes with a clown horn and a whoopee cushion.”

And he’s not just piling on the pitchers, Manfred said. Once the batter is in the box, he’ll have to stay there. No time outs.

“It’s called the Nomar Garciaparra rule. The pitcher’s time clock tells him to throw the freakin’ ball no matter what the batter is doing – blowing his nose, adjusting his glove or his, um, unit, whatever. Didn’t catch the sign from the third base coach? You’re on your own. Got something in your eye, batter? Tough. Throwing up on the plate? Clean it up yourself – and you get an automatic strikeout for delay of game.

“Complain about the pitch that struck you out? Unsportsmanlike conduct. You spend the next half inning in the penalty box next to your dugout without a replacement in the field,” Manfred said. “Don’t tell me we can’t make baseball fun again.”