Wyoming: Bienvenidos solicitantes de asilo

By BRUCE LOWITT

The governors of 11 states plus Mayor Muriel Bowser of Washington, D.C., will begin shipping immigrants to Wyoming by midsummer because, as Colorado Gov. Jared Polis said, “they’ve got like six people per square mile up there. They could handle a few million people without even blinking.”

Polis said asylum seekers in the United States legally “including those who were sent to our states by that putz running Texas” will be able to get hearings in Wyoming, reducing the logjam at the southern border. A Southwest Airlines spokesman said he swears it can provide most of the transportation.

The District of Columbia ranks first in the United States in population density. The states participating are next in line – New Jersey, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Maryland, Delaware, New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, California, Illinois and Colorado. Polis called them “the Big 12, and I’m not talking college football.”

Colorado ranks 37^th “but we included it,” Massachusetts Gov. Maura Healey said, “because Jared came up with the idea after getting blasted by some of us for chartering buses to send migrants to the Big Apple and the Windy City. He promised to stop doing it so we invited him in. Also, he gave us all free lifetime passes to Yellowstone, and also Devil’s Tower. I mean, have you seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind?”

Wyoming Gov. Mark Gordon has agreed to the plan “because the Big 12 have promised to buy mukluks, mittens, earmuffs and bear spray for all the new arrivals, along with free subscriptions to online coal mining and skiing classes.”

Greyhound and Trailways as well as Bustang, Colorado’s express commuter bus service, have declined to participate in transporting immigrants across the border to Cheyenne, so Polis said his state will cover the cost of bike rentals for the 100-mile trip. “It’s quite an invigorating ride through the mountains,” he said.

The only state among the most densely populated but not included in the group is Florida. “We were actually going to include them,” California Gov. Gavin Newsom said, “until their nihilistic reincarnation of George Wallace down there called us a bunch of woke a—holes. So screw him.”

Following Polis’ announcement, the Republican governors of Montana, Idaho, Utah, Nebraska and South Dakota announced they would be erecting walls along their borders with Wyoming “if it doesn’t build one all the way around itself,” South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem said.

“Hey, no sweat,” Wyoming’s Gordon said. “If the Big 12 don’t fulfill their promises, we’ll have a wall up and shut down our airports so fast it’ll make their heads spin. And let me point out that our Francis E. Warren Air Force Base in Cheyenne houses Minuteman ICBMs. What, you think North Korea is the only place that can launch missiles at the drop of a hat?”