McCarthy’s got game but no balls

By BRUCE LOWITT

All it took was eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog, plus discarding his soul and conscience, visits by Rumpelstiltskin and the Wicked Witch of the West, letters of support from Vladimir Putin and Viktor Orban and a case of Stockholm Syndrome – and Kevin McCarthy became Speaker of the House of Representatives.

The 14^th ballot ended with him one vote shy – but following a hastily called meeting behind closed doors with Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Promdate, during which McCarthy reportedly was shown a series of photographs taken at Cal State Bakersfield keg parties, a 15^th ballot was called.

And after promising in writing and swearing on a stack of Bibles that he will allow select members of the Republican party to spank him any time Congress is in session, McCarthy was officially confirmed Saturday at 12:37 a.m., becoming the most emasculated Speaker of the House ever, with fewer balls than even former Speaker Nancy Pelosi had.

“I don’t need them,” McCarthy said, “because no matter what I want to achieve, I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting anything done except for one thing – having an oil portrait of me hanging in the lobby of this freakin’ place just so I can prove that I really was a Speaker.”

For Gaetz, it was a week of playing both sides against the middle, including one ballot in which he nominated and voted for Donald Trump to be speaker, then changing his mind, nominating and voting for Rep. Jim Jordan, R-Molester, and finally casting McCarthy’s deciding vote.

When he abandoned Trump, the former president threw his cheeseburger, golf shoes and a folder of classified documents out a Mar-a-Lago window. Gaetz said he switched to Jordan after being offered a part-time job as assistant coach of the Elyria (Ohio) High School girls soccer team when Congress is not in session.

“I thought Gaetz was going to be the guy to start the wave to sweep me into the speakership, and to be my vice president when I’m re-elected president in 2024,” an angry Trump said while stuffing unsigned presidential pardons into a Mar-a-Lago toilet. “Now I don’t want to have anything to do with that job. I’ll have enough problems raising millions of dollars from my millions of supporters for my, ahem, ‘legal defense’ without having to be associated with anyone or anything having to do with that crowd of clowns.”

With McCarthy seated and being fitted for a straightjacket, compliments of the GOP anarchists, House Republicans can work on establishing a House Committee to investigate the House Committee that investigated the Jan. 6, 2001, assault on the Capitol, impeaching President Joe Biden, launching investigations into his son, Hunter Biden, former chief medical advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci, the Departments of Justice and Education, the FBI, HUD, ASPCA, NCAA, NFL and MSNBC, replacing the Pledge of Allegiance with the Lord’s Prayer, cutting off military aid to Ukraine, increasing military aid to Texas and Florida, getting rid of the First, Third and Eighth Amendments to the Constitution, ending funding for infrastructure, prohibiting abortions after conception, eliminating the Affordable Care Act, making English the official and only American language, strengthening and expanding the wall at the Mexican border and building barriers around New York and California, making Southwest the official U.S. government airline, eliminating the Internal Revenue Service, funding development of coal-powered cars, putting the government into default for the first time ever by refusing to raise the debt ceiling, eliminating the Thirteenth, Fifteenth and Nineteenth Amendments to the Constitution, arming teachers and all other public school employees as well as religious leaders in churches and synagogues (but not mosques), annexing Canada (except for the really cold parts), and writing legislation to pardon every insurrectionist who assaulted the Capitol on Jan. 6.