Just one goal is all they need

By BRUCE LOWITT

The U.S. Men’s National Team, which plays soccer in the United States and football everywhere else, has lodged a formal complaint – and says a lawsuit can be next – following its scoreless draw with England in what it called “the crookedest World Cup in the history of sport.”

Gregg Bernhalter, coach of the American team, demanded that FIFA, soccer’s governing body, do a frame-by-frame videotape review of the match “because we know Christian Pulisic scored a goal in the 73^rd minute that wasn’t counted.”

Bernhalter said he placed a call to FIFA’s president, Gianni Infantino, immediately after the match. “I told him, ‘So look, all I want to do is just, I want to find one goal, which is one more than we have, because we won the match.’ We’ll take this all the way up to the World Court in The Hague if necessary.”

Pulisic, a midfielder nicknamed “Captain America” by fans, said he scored on a scissor kick to beat Jordan Pickford, England’s goalkeeper. But in an initial examination of FOX’s broadcast, the network at the moment in question was showing fans in the stands waving American flags, chanting “USA! USA!” and holding up signs saying “Where’s Hunter’s laptop?” and “Stop the Steal!” and “Mothers for Herschel!”

Tyler Adams, 23-year-old captain of the team, declined to comment on Bernhalter’s claim. But he insisted, “I think they’re making up the rules as they go along. I mean, who the hell stops playing football ‘just because’? Those Brits were gassed at the end, we had ’em on the ropes, and all of a sudden the referee looks at his watch and blows a whistle and takes off? What’s that about?”

Jesus Valenzuela, a native of Portuguesa refereeing his first World Cup match, was unapologetic for ending play, explaining that Corazon Traicionado, his favorite Venezuelan TV show, was starting. “¿Y has visto a Yelena Maciel? ¡Ella es caliente!” he said. (“And have you seen Yelena Maciel? She is hot!”)

Jordan Morris, a forward on the U.S. team, also said the officials “changed the most basic rules of football to screw us. Every time the ball got passed to me and I caught it and started to run toward the goal line I got whistled for … for what?”

He also complained that the English players were being, as he put it, “excessively dramatic any time one of us even bumped into them. This isn’t some pussy sport like, I don’t know, basketball? Like, holy crap! We just touched one of them and all of a sudden he’s like Boromir,” Morris said. “Does European soccer training include classes in over-acting? I think I saw one of them trip over a painted line in the grass and they took him off on a stretcher. Give me a freaking break.”

The United States now faces Iran in a win-or-go-home match, and in a rare display of bipartisanship Reps. Nancy Pelosi, D-Tomyris, and Kevin McCarthy, R-Querulous, agreed on legislation to increase sanctions against Iran if its team wins or even ties on Tuesday, starting with a worldwide ban of Persian rugs.