There’s “Special,” then there’s this

By BRUCE LOWITT

Donald Trump has submitted a list of 12 candidates, including his sons, plus Michael DeSantis and Viktor Orban, to be the Special Master to review documents seized by the FBI from the former president’s Mar-a-Lago home.

“I can think of no more qualified people to decide that everything the government stole from me should be returned and not be used in the witch hunt to damage my reputation in some crooked court,” Trump said.

“Everyone I’ve put on my list and told my so-called lawyers to give to (U.S. District Judge Aileen) Cannon, who I think is one hell of a judge, by the way, and I think I should have put on the Supreme Court, every one of them knows the law inside and out and is, in my opinion, very special in their own way.”

The other candidates on Trump’s list are Devin Nunes, John Eastman, Michael Flynn, Roger Stone, Joe Arpaio, Rod Blagojevich, Paul Manafort and Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-Upchuck.

Cannon was nominated on May 21, 2020, by Trump to her current position and comfirmed by the Senate Nov. 12, 2020, nine days after Trump lost his bid for re-election.

In ordering a Special Master, slamming the brakes on federal prosecutors’ investigation into Trump’s obstruction of justice and screwing around with government secrets he didn’t even understand, Cannon said she needed to ensure “the appearance of fairness and integrity while allowing him to drag this whole thing out until it runs out of steam.”

“And seeing whom our great president – uh, I mean the former president – has selected, I have no doubt this will be fairly done,” Cannon added, “assuming the feds don’t give me some kind of bullshit list of their own.”

Trump said he selected Donald Jr. and Eric to be a potential Special Master because “they haven’t done a damned thing since I left the White House and they’re getting on my nerves, asking me to take them fishing and play catch in the back yard.”

According to Trump lawyer Alina Habba, the former president put Michael DeSantis on his list of Special Master candidates because “he figured picking the Florida governor’s brother might help him gain voter support when he runs for president again.”

Ron DeSantis has no brothers. Michael “Big Mike” DeSantis is acting head of the Lucchese crime family, installed in 2017 by Vittorio “Little Vic” Amuso, serving a life sentence since 1992 for murder. Michael DeSantis spent 18 years in prison for committing two murders.

Orban, prime minister of Hungary since 2010, has dismantled his country’s democracy, making him a hero to FOX’s Tucker Carlson, Trump and his MAGA adherents. He also is a racist, anti-LGBTQ+ and has crushed Hungary’s free press and judiciary. “My kind of guy,” Trump said.

The former president insists that everything he removed from the White House “belongs to me and whether I want to display them in my presidential library, show them to my overseas friends or auction them off now that they’re all unclassified, that’s up to me, not to the creeps who run the FBI and the justice department.”

He said his presidential library will be installed in what the FBI calls the “Storage Room,” a windowless closet-sized space where all the documents he hauled out of the White House were stashed when he left office.

A source close to Trump, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “Don’t let that ‘library’ business fool you. There won’t be that many books – but I know he spends a lot of time in there viewing his Jenna Jameson film collection, so there’s that.”