Trump to LIV: Show me the money

By BRUCE LOWITT

Donald Trump claimed victory Sunday in the LIV Golf event played at his New Jersey course and demanded immediate payment of the $4-million winner’s share “plus a few other incidental amounts.”

The former president said he shot a 17-under-par 54 Sunday to finish at 40-under-par 173, which he insisted included five holes-in-one and four double eagles for the three-day event.

“My caddie, Mike Flynn, will attest to the accuracy of my cards,” Trump said. “He recorded every shot of my three rounds to verify my great, and I do mean great, performance.”

Trump said he and his team played the 54 holes “very early in the morning,” before the rest of the golfers arrived at the the course each day, “because it gets too hot for me out there and also the sun hurts my eyes since I looked at it during the eclipse, and also I didn’t want to distract the hundreds of thousands of fans showing up from watching the rest of these great golfers.”

According to Bedminster Township Police, the tournament drew about 900 spectators for the first round and rose to about 2,000 apiece for the second and third rounds after reports circulated that the disgraced former president would not be among the rest of the competitors.

Trump said his team played his Bedminster National course starting each day “at 3 in the morning and finished around 5:45, which I know is really fast but remember that I own this place and know it like the back of my hand and, besides, all those aces and the rest of my great shots cut down on the time.”

There was no information on how his teammates – John Eastman, Joe Cuffari and Rudy Giuliani – played their rounds but Trump said “each of them finished at least 12 under (par) so I’m going to make sure they divide up the four-and-a-half million the second-, third-, and fourth-place guys get – after I take my twenty percent vig.”

NBA Hall-of-Famer and broadcaster Charles Barkley, wooed by LIV to join the tour at Bedminster, decided instead to stay with Turner Sports. “Hey, I’m okay with the Saudis,” Barkley said, “but Trump? I mean, you’ve got to draw the line somewhere, right?”

Flynn, who spent 22 days as Trump’s National Security Officer in 2017, is currently on leave from a retroactive U.S. Army court-martial for selling promotions to fellow officers before his forced retirement as a lieutenant general in 2014.

He said he believes his infrared recordings of Trump’s predawn rounds may have accidentally been erased. “Check the cable people,” Flynn said, “but I know what I saw and I’ll swear to it – unless I’m called to testify under oath about it.”

DAZN, the streaming service which signed to televise the tournament on the internet, said it had no record of the former president’s rounds. “We didn’t set up until maybe 10 a.m.,” a DAZN spokesman said. “Who the hell plays golf in the dark?”

Along with a claim for the winning $4-million prize, Trump demanded $110,000 for each of the holes-in-one and double eagles in the three rounds. “Why don’t we just round it up to an even million?” he suggested.

Sweden’s Henrik Stenson was declared the “real” tournament winner by LIV officials with a three-round total of 11-under-par 202, two strokes ahead of Matthew Wolff and Dustin Johnson.

Told of Trump’s claim of victory, Stenson replied: “Jag kommer att stämma hans feta rumpa om han försöker skruva ut mig från mina vinster.” (“I’ll sue his fat ass if he tries to screw me out of my winnings.” To which Giuliani commented, “Sue him? Hah! Get in line.”

Before play even ended, Trump also presented to Greg Norman, LIV Golf’s CEO and commissioner, a bill demanding $5.512-million for what he called “costs of tournament necessities.”

It included $1.6-million for security personnel (exclusive of the estimated $150,000 it costs taxpayers for three days of Secret Service protection afforded all former presidents), $1.1-million in rentals for Bedminster National condos and cabins, $750,000 in golf cart rentals for security personnel, $600,000 for the right to use his name, image and likeness, $525,000 for burner phones for himself and his teammates, $467,000 for golf outfits for the four of them and $110,000 (plus tips) for McDonald’s food deliveries.

“I told him to make the check out to ‘cash’ since I’m pretty sure but not one-hundred percent sure what I’ll be using it for,” Trump said. “Probably this year but if I’m not conv-… I mean if I’m lucky, maybe in 2024.”