What’s hiding in that galaxy?

By BRUCE LOWITT

The latest images received Friday from deepest space by NASA’s James Webb Telescope provide clear pictures of hidden things never before seen or even imagined, including the black hole that used to be Mitch McConnell’s conscience.

“We always hoped that we could trace the history of the universe virtually back to the moment of creation,” NASA astrophysicist Amber Straughn said, “but we never thought we could capture pictures of things we never believed actually existed.

“The discovery of the burned-out remnant of the former supernova MMc86, which microspective analysis shows was coal based,” Straughn said, “explains how the so-called Big Bang ultimately, over billions of years, produced what we here at the Goddard Space Flight Center call, to use the technical term, ‘that useless sack of Kentucky shit.’”

McConnell declined to be interviewed. A spokesman said he was busy reversing his stances on climate change, abortion, gun control, health care, immigration and inflation in order to more accurately reflect “what he thinks rabid Republican voters want today.” But the spokesman added, “a lot of that could change by next week, just as it has almost every week or so since he became a senator.”

A newer grouping of Webb telescope pictures of the Carina Nebula, showing a dark billowing cloud of dust and ionized gas, revealed former president Donald Trump’s heretofore unseen second set of financial records showing how he raised or lowered the values of his properties for tax purposes and how little or much he owed his creditors in Moscow and Sicily.

“He initially told me he came up with what he first called the ‘Superzoom Rocket Squadron’ when he was reading Space Adventures comic books in the 1950s,” said Dr. Lisa Costa, chief technology and innovation officer of the U.S. Space Force, “but when the (Manhattan) district attorney’s fraud investigation got serious, that’s when he told the Pentagon we needed a new branch to, as he put it, ‘find all the dangerous stuff out there’ in space.”

Also revealed by the Webb telescope, on the fringes of a black hole, were the origin of Rudy Giuliani’s scalp drain, Kimberley Guilfoyle’s missing volume control and the lost honesty of Amy Coney Barrett, Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch. And nearby, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Jewish ancestry was discovered on a dwarf planet which NASA named Schmatta.

But the most striking discovery, which appeared in Exoplanet WASP-96b, rocked NASA – clear evidence of James Webb’s illicit gay affairs.

The homophobic leader of the space agency, who died in 1992, was instrumental in purging it of any members of the LGBTQA+ community, despite the FBI’s turning up proof of his secret liaisons with Werner von Braun, Lyman Spitzer and Yuri Gagarin as well as a one-night stand with Laika, the three-year-old Russian dog that dreamed of Webb as she died alone in Sputnik 2 on Nov. 3, 1957.

“This project, this whole thing, should never have been named for Webb,” project manager Bill Ochs said. “I was thinking we should rename it the Pete Buttigieg Deep Space Telescope but in reality most people wouldn’t be able to say it properly, much less spell it.”