Biden decides being Vice is nicer

By BRUCE LOWITT

In a stunning announcement, President Joe Biden said he will not run for reelection in 2024 but has decided instead to run once again for vice president, the office he held for eight years under Barack Obama.

“When I ran for president in 2020, I did so to restore the soul of America,” the 79-year-old Biden said. “But with inflation running rampant, maybe I should have run for president of Bank of America.

“With gas prices, food prices, the pandemic, monkeypox, the war in Ukraine, half the leaders of the governments of the Americas and NATO dumping on me, the infighting among Democrats, and my own ratings as president that have me trailing car salesmen, telemarketers and even Congress, I figure it’s time to get the hell out of the White House and back to doing the job I was so good at,” Biden said.

The president said he began thinking about actually resigning his office after receiving a call from his son, Hunter, “who complained that with all my problems and polling, I was ruining his reputation. And you know me, how family comes first. But I’m no quitter. I’m determined to finish my one term and get something done. Something. Anything.

“After that, I’m looking forward to living once again in the nineteenth-century house on the grounds of the U.S. Naval Observatory. Nobody ever comes to visit there, no tour groups. And it really fits with the job because nobody ever expects anything from a vice president. I mean, what have you heard about Kamala (Harris) lately?”

Following a series of conversations between the president and first lady, Dr. Jill Biden admitted in an interview that she told him she no longer wanted to live in the White House.

“We’ve been there almost a year and a half – five hundred and nine days, to be exact,” Jill Biden said, “and I told Joe we still can’t get rid of the stink of all those hamburgers that you-know-who used to devour. All the grease stains on the couches and … Ugh! I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it.”

Joe Biden, too, has said he likes to “escape from that gilded cage as much as I can,” taking dozens of trips to the family’s Delaware homes in Rehoboth Beach and Wilmington as well as to Camp David.

“You know what’s great about that presidential retreat?” Jill Biden said. “The, uh, fat guy almost never went there, probably because it didn’t have his name on it. God, it smells nice.”

Biden’s withdrawal from the 2024 presidential race would leave a wide-open field of Democratic candidates, starting with Harris.

“Forget it,” the vice president said. “I remember when people liked me. Now nobody knows me and the only thing worse than that would be everybody ignoring or despising me, like they do Joe.”

Jaime Harrison, director of the Democratic National Committee, said his survey in Congress of potential candidates “was met with some laughs, some sneers and a bunch of doors slammed in my face. I’m thinking of taking the party in a totally different direction. Anybody got Tom Brady’s phone number?”