Thank you for calling the United States Government. Your call is important to us. Well, okay, not really. But we have to say that although, frankly, we couldn’t care less about what you think unless you are willing to share your thoughts along with a few thousand dollars.
Your call may be monitored and/or recorded because we have a lot of down time here in the security office and are collecting the dumbest conversations for a book we want to publish in order to supplement the meager income we receive for presumably protecting the government from all those other idiots – but certainly not you.
Nevertheless, if you wish to speak to the President of the United States, please enter 1TRUMP and the number of your checking account and bank’s routing number for the Florida White House or 2BIDEN and the name of the street where you played ringolevio or Johnny-on-the-pony for the Washington White House.
If you wish to go back to a time when you think you were happier, please enter 3OBAMA, 4NIXON, 5TRUMAN, 6IKE or 7FDR. For CLINTON, FORD, JOHNSON, REAGAN, CARTER, KENNEDY, HOOVER, BUSH or the other BUSH or any others, please visit the Hall of Presidents at the Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World.
If you wish to speak to the Vice President of the United States, please enter MAYONNAISE for Mike Pence or IMAGINARY for Kamala Harris.
If you wish to speak to a member of the United States Supreme Court, please enter HOWDIDSHEPUTUPWITHALLTHATCRAP for Katanji Brown Jackson, COUPMAN for Clarence Thomas, BEERBEERBEER for Brett Kavanaugh, NOMOREBABIES for Amy Coney Barrett, ILOVEBABIES for Elena Kagan, YOTAMBIEN for Sonia Sotomayor or GENERALDELIVERY for any other justices.
To use the government’s new automated voice-recognition system, which will permit us to reduce the number of security-office slackers receiving a salary by milking honest, hard-working taxpayers like you and simultaneously record your political leanings, please enter or say the following password:
67V9MD41USA7GDP0WASSUP3TRANS17CIA336MAGA131YOWZA273646#METOO
and press the pound sign. If you fail to correctly enter or say the password or the voice-recognition system fails to accept the entry, it will assume you are an immigrant and your call will be disconnected, you will not be able to call us for 24 hours and a representative of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Homeland Security or Immigration and Customs Enforcement may visit your child’s or grandchild’s school to verify your citizenship.
If you manage to properly enter the password and wish to speak to a Republican member of the United States Senate or House of Representatives, please say or enter AMERICANAUTOCRACY. If you wish to speak to a Democratic member of the United States Senate or House of Representatives, please say or enter GOINGDOWNINFLAMES. You will then be directed to a list of the unindicted members of Congress in the party you have chosen. If you wish to speak to either independent senator, Angus King or Bernie Sanders, please say or enter ACTUALLYDEMOCRATS.
If you are calling to determine of you are still registered to vote on Tuesday, Nov. 8, don’t bother because you probably aren’t or won’t be by the time you finish waiting to be connected to the appropriate department.
Your expected wait time to be connected to any office you’re requesting is between six and six-hundred-and-sixty-six minutes, depending on the color of your state. Please remember to watch your language because we’ve already warned you that your call may be monitored and/or recorded and, besides that, we already know your phone number, where you live and those noises you were making in bed last night.
lowittlowdown 