Tiger swears he was lucky to win his sixth Masters

Tiger Woods, in the most remarkable and highly questionable comeback ever in professional golf, won his sixth career Masters Tournament, tying Jack Nicklaus’ record, as one challenger after another disappeared off the leaderboard.

Woods, who survived a Feb. 23, 2021, one-car crash near Los Angeles, said he was “thankful that I was able to withstand the pressure of walking the 72 holes” of Augusta National while the course seemed to take its toll on other competitors. “I swear I don’t know what happened to them. Really.”

He took the lead at the par-five 15th when he sank a 27-foot birdie putt to pass a wobbly Justin Thomas, who double-bogeyed the hole despite putting his third shot nine feet from the pin. Woods finished at 14-under 274, two strokes ahead of Scottie Scheffler.

Thomas was in a group six back at eight-under par after his collapse. “I spent most of the back nine looking for my insulin pen,” a dejected Thomas said. “Tiger claims he found it in a sand trap at No. 10 but swears didn’t realize it was mine until we were in the clubhouse.”

Woods, who rarely expresses opinions on how he expects to play in an upcoming event, was downright enthusiastic about his chances during a pre-tournament banquet he co-hosted with Collin Morikawa at Miyabi Augusta, a Japanese restaurant. “I think I’ve got it figured out,” Woods said. “I have a plan but I’ll keep that to myself.”

Morikawa, one of the favorites when the tournament began, was leading until the eighth hole Thursday when he doubled over in pain and withdrew. “I think I ate some bad sushi (Wednesday night),” he said. “Tiger and I were sitting together and he told me to try it. He swears there was nothing wrong with his, although I don’t remember seeing any on his plate.”

With Morikawa out, Will Zalatoris, nicknamed “Stick” because he’s so slim (165 pounds on a 6-foot-2 frame) took the lead. But Friday, on No. 11, Woods’ second shot hit Zalatoris just above his right ear. The concussion knocked him out.

“I know we’re supposed to wait until the previous group clears the green Woods said, “but, I swear, Willy’s so damned skinny I didn’t see him. Really. My bad.”

Woods stayed within hailing distance of the leaders on Saturday and there were no incidents during the round – but after it, co-leader Jon Rahm suffered a fractured left hip and left leg injuries when Woods, driving a Genesis GV80 loaned to him by Augusta National, said he ‘accidentally” backed into him while Rahm was loading his clubs into the trunk of his Mercedes-Benz.

I swear I didn’t see him,” Woods said. “You’d think that I’d know how to use the rear-view camera after I drove the same car last year,” when he was going nearly double the 45 mph speed limit, crossed a median and an oncoming lane, jumped a curb, rolled over several times and slammed into a tree outside of Rolling Hills Estates.

After nine holes Sunday Woods was tied with hard-charging Patrick Cantlay, the 2021 Fedex Cup winner, two shots behind Thomas. But walking toward No. 10, Cantlay began rubbing his eyes. Hay fever, he said.

Woods dug into his bag and gave Cantlay eye drops. “I swear that’s what I thought they were,” Woods said. It turned out to be a bottle of ear drops for what Woods claimed was “a slight infection. Really.”

The severe burning in his left eye prevented Cantlay from continuing. Six holes later Woods caught and passed Justin Thomas for his historic sixth Masters.

Two hours after putting on the green jacket, Woods, driving his Porsche Carrera GT at nearly double the 45 mph speed limit on Washington Road half a mile from Augusta National, passed Justin Thomas again, causing him to swerve into a ditch. Woods then crossed the median and two oncoming lanes, jumped a curb, rolled over several times and slammed into a Hooters Restaurant.

“My foot just slipped on the accelerator, I swear,” Woods said, climbing out of the wreck. “But I’m okay, ladies. Drinks are on me.”

Leave a comment