KBJ vs. GOP: We have a winner

Ketanji Brown Jackson, facing strong and sometimes blatantly noxious questioning by Republican senators at her Supreme Court nomination hearings, thanked her antagonists for their occasional pursuit of truth “and a most entertaining dog-and-pony show.”

“I have watched previous hearings as senators have questioned nominees,” a smiling Jackson told GOP senators, “and most often they have been civil and serious. But I’ve never seen one conducted by Johnny Knoxville, Jerry Springer and the Ringling Brothers.”

The most intriguing moment of the hearings occurred when Chuck Grassley, R-Dunderhead, apparently reading from a prepared script, asked, “Do you believe that the light that’s lost within us will reach the sky? And have you been aware of the time going by? And since you’re not a doctor, how can you know the shape of a heart? And why would you want to keep a fire for the human race?”

Jackson, grinning as Grassley droned on, replied, “Thank you for that revealing series of questions, senator, but whoever gave you those questions was confusing me with lyrics by Jackson Browne.”

When Ted Cruz, R-Gargoyle, began a lengthy diatribe about critical race theory, Jackson interrupted him.

“Excuse me, senator,” she said, “but the only critical race theory I’d like to raise is how you beat Beto O’Rourke in 2018. As your former president was claiming even before then and so many of your fellow Republicans still insist since, elections are rife with fraud. Millions of Texans, and even more Americans, no doubt have questions about your 2.6 percent winning margin.”

Cruz then excused himself, claiming he had a plane to catch to Cancun in order to continue his research on Texas’ current dangerous weather conditions. And Josh Hawley, R-Erotica, left the hearing for a “Stop-the-Steal” fund-raiser when the nominee said she was unable to provide him with evidence used in her sentencing of defendants in child pornography court cases to add to his collection.

As Lindsey Graham, R-Inimical, was about to begin his questioning of Jackson, she thanked him profusely for being one of only three Republican senators who supported her 2021 nomination to the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals.

Graham, who responded “much obliged” to Jackson’s comment, spent the remainder of his allotted 20-minute time slot fending off fellow Republicans’ verbal assaults and objects, including a Hush Puppy thrown by Thom Tillis, R-Sphincter.

While GOP senators spent much of their time attacking Jackson’s judicial rulings and qualifications and her work as a public defender as well as her apparel, jewelry, hairstyle, diction, posture, parents, children, former boyfriends, high school grades and NCAA basketball brackets, Democratic senators assailed the conservative-leaning Supreme Court’s recent rulings and shamelessly fawned over Jackson.

Said a tearful Cory Booker, D-Swampgas, “I want to tell you when I look at you, this is why I get emotional. I’m sorry – you’re a person that is so much more than your race and gender. When I see you on the federal bench I wonder, ‘What’s going on under those robes?’ I mean, you’re the way I like my chili – hot.”

Jeanne Shaheen, D-Sununu, then hit Booker with a Manolo Blahnik.