McCarthy’s new title: Loudspeaker

Kevin McCarthy has been hospitalized with dysphagia, tonsillitis, esophagitis and strep throat. The Republican leader in the House of Representatives also is undergoing treatment for stimulus independence.

According to Dr. Dana Kornfeld, a Bethesda, Md., otolaryngologist who examined McCarthy at Walter Reed Hospital, “I’ve never seen a throat like this in all my years of practice. It’s like he was screaming in anger at the top of his lungs for, I don’t know, maybe forever.”

Kornfeld, unaware of the minority leader’s lengthy harangue ahead of the approval of the Democrats’ spending bill, said “his gullet reminded me of rhe Schuylkill Expressway when I was studying for my MD at Penn. Potholes, cracks. I had two blown tires and a busted transmission my junior year.”

Stimulus independence is defined as streams of thoughts and images unrelated to sensory input. In other words, a wandering mind, which McCarthy exhibited repeatedly as the evening wore on and his speech became more convoluted.

At 1:32 a.m. he said, “The Democrat Party is willing to bankrupt the middle class in order to promote its agency regardless of the slithy toves that gyre and gimble in the wabe. All mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.”

And at 3:17 a.m., he exclaimed: “The way inflation is ruining our economy while mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey, a kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?”

McCarthy collapsed moments after leaving the lectern where he had spent 8 hours and 32 minutes trying to prove that he really is one of former president Donald Trump’s staunchest supporters and not the sniveling, weak-minded wretch that an increasing number of conservatives say he is.

“When I said Trump had lost the election, I was misquoted,” McCarthy said during his rant. “When I said he should be censured for not immediately telling the rioters to stop attacking the Capitol, I was misquoted. Anything I’ve said that someone doesn’t like, it’s because I’ve been misquoted. And you can quote me on that.”

He also was trying to make the case during his tirade that if the GOP wins control in the 2022 elections, he should be the Speaker of the House, a job he failed to win in 2015 when the gifts of liquor, cash and cruises then-Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Weasel, gave to key Republicans far outshone McCarthy’s self-portraits, ashtrays and tickets to Disneyland.

It’s notable that McCarthy’s diatribe came shortly after Mark Meadows, Trump’s White House chief of fast food and vending machines, blasted McCarthy’s leadership on a podcast, saying Trump should be the next speaker.

“That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard,” McCarthy said. “The speaker can’t hand out pardons. The speaker can’t buy and sell treaties. The speaker doesn’t get invited to other countries by dictators. Why would Trump want this job?

“I want this job. Can I be speaker? I want (Nancy Pelosi) to hand that gavel to me. I want her to be here,” McCarthy said, his voice rising. “I’ll smash her freakin’ face in with it. That b**** has f***** me over for the last time.”

When Pelosi gaveled the politicians present to calm down and cautioned McCarthy about using inappropriate language, he replied, “I apologize to the members for my outburst and beg their forgiveness. And to you, Madam Speaker,” he said sarcastically, “go f*** yourself.”

To which Pelosi replied, “’Madam Speaker?’ Wow! Thank you for mentioning the title of my best-selling biography.”