The attorney general changes his mind

U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland has decided not to take any action against Steve Bannon or any of Donald Trump’s other henchmen and disciples because, he said, “I don’t want to get sued – or worse – by them.”

Garland was expected to pursue the former president’s former overstuffed laundry bag for defying a Congressional subpoena by a House panel investigating the Jan. 6 tailgate party/insurrection at the Capitol.

But since the House subpoenaed Bannon on Oct. 21, ordering him to bathe, shave and testify, Garland has done nothing. At least 35 Trump lackeys now believe they can stonewall the investigation and escape prosecution if Republicans steal the 2022 election and regain control of the House and Senate.

That, in turn, could lead to the fraudulent re-election of Trump as president in 2024 by the GOP’s throwing out votes against him and replacing democracy with a Republican junta.

When Mark Meadows was ordered to appear for a deposition and turn over documents, Trump’s former valet and food taster mooned House panel chairman Bennie Thompson, propositioned Rep. Stephanie Murphy and blew his nose in Rep. Liz Cheney’s hair. “And if Merritt Garman [sic] even thinks of coming after me,” Meadows added, “I’ll have Rudy (Giuliani) suing his ass six ways from Sunday.”

During a news conference held at the Mary’s Center COVID testing station in Washington, D.C., to avoid the inadvertent presence of any Republicans. Garland said, “Have you heard what supporters of you-know-who are saying about people who don’t support him? They’re advocating assault, murder. I don’t want to be one of their targets.”

Rep. Paul Gosar, R-Beelzebub, made an animated video purporting to show him violently targeting a Democratic Congresswoman and President Joe Biden. Gosar released it after deciding an earlier video he created didn’t get his point across. That one showed him shooting puppies and drowning kittens, each wearing a vest bearing the Democratic logo.

“That’s not the worst of them,” Garland said. “My office has discovered videos, films, books, all sorts of stuff by current and former members of Congress who plan to use them in 2022 campaigns. Check this out…”

A short video of Republican and former fighter pilot Martha McSally, who lost her Arizona U.S. Senate seat to Democrat Mark Kelly, shows her carpet-bombing a mock-up of Coney Island, including a mannequin of Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer eating a Nathan’s hot dog.

“And this,” Garland said, handing out copies of a pop-up children’s book depicting Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Simpleton, teaching Texas schoolchildren the methods of tipping cows on immigrants.

“And here’s a clip of Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis tearing the masks off kindergartners’ faces – and sometimes tearing off their faces – in Broward County. … and there’s this photo of Rep. Scott Perry (R-Sewage) attacking Pennsylvania voting machines with a machete” before claiming foreign interference in last year’s election.

Garland said the FBI has intercepted e-mails from, among others, former Senior Vampire Stephen Miller’s Crabtree Cave in Maryland, former White House Mime Kayleigh McEnany’s lectern and former Playskool Lawyer Jeff Clark’s pretend desk phone, all advocating the bulldozing of Democratic offices and officers in blue states.

“Normally I wouldn’t take such drastic inaction in a situation like this, considering the lives of millions of Americans and the fate of the nation itself are being threatened by a modern-day Mussolini and his Squadrismo,” Garland said.

“But remember how Mitch McConnell screwed me over after President Obama nominated me to the Supreme Court? Well, Mitch has promised to make it up to me if I do him this little favor – where have I heard that before? – and I’ll take him at his word. I mean, he wouldn’t lie, would he?”