The Joint Congressional Committee on Hoarding, Inheritance and Tax Avoidance reports that no one in or out of government knows anything about what is being proposed in President Joe Biden’s Build Back Better plan and estimates that costs will be either miniscule or massive, depending on who’s at the microphone.

Sen. Joe Manchin (D/R/I/R/D-Obfuscation), who has changed his political affiliation five times in the past week, told an exclusive MSNBC-FOX news conference, “I’m for everything I like in this bill, although I’m not sure I’m going to want most of what’s in it except for the stuff I think might still be in it, unless it’s not.”

And Sen. Kyrsten Sinema ($-Portfolio) said she is “fully committed to everything I insist should be deleted from all parts of this legislation, whether it belongs in there or not, and I can’t confirm what that is because I haven’t decided if it’s something I’ve yet to consider. Or else.”

The framework of the program, on which Biden began campaigning before realizing he had absolutely no idea what he was getting into and begged in vain for Michelle Obama to replace him, began as a $7-trillion plan to give everybody everything they ever wanted, including a nice cup of hot chocolate and being snuggled and read a bedtime story every night.

But by the time he took office after the Federal Poison Control Center had deloused the White House following his predecessor’s departure, the plan had been reduced to $3.5-trillion. Then the infighting among Democratic factions began.

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Ncontinent) demanded that the original $7-trillion be doubled. In order to cover that, he has proposed selling Texas (including all oil rights) to Russia and Kentucky and West Virginia (including all coal mines) to China as a way of paying for universal child care and preschool programs, plus dental care, vision care, hearing aids and sexual aids including videos and home visits in an expanded Affordable Care Act, as well as two years of college for anyone over the age of 75 “who missed out on higher education and now wants to party like it’s 1966,” Sanders said.

The two years of free preschool for every 3- and 4-year-old child in America and expansion of the child tax credit is part of a plan that includes a provision blocking broadcasts of Peppa Pig to all U.S. homes to prevent widespread parental violence against televisions.

The climate portion of the legislation was altered to accept Manchin’s opposing taxes on companies that don’t switch from fossil fuels to cleaner energy. The new law requires that oil and gas from new wells be tested for prehistoric DNA and be taxed based on the parts per million of pterodactyl, velociraptor, brontosaurus, mitchmcconnus, chuckgrasslus and other dinosaurs.

The plan to require pharmaceutical companies to negotiate with Medicare in order to lower drug prices has been scrapped and replaced by contracts with Ismael Zambada Garcia, Osiel Cardenas Guillen, Hector Luis Palma Salazar and Joaquin Guzman, who reportedly have guaranteed lowest drug prices in exchange for territorial rights and the removal of the southern border wall.

The tax on billionaires has been removed from Biden’s Build Back Better. In exchange, billionaires will be eligible to purchase branding rights on portions of the nation.

Those tentatively awarded include the Amazon Grand Canyon, Tesla Statue of Liberty, Meta Mount Rushmore and the presidential residence, Google House, although the name of the latter could wind up in litigation if a former occupant regains residency.