If you liked the first insurrection, you’ll love the next one

WASHINGTON, D.C. – It’s not a Donald Trump rally. It’s the “American Manufacturers’ Convention” – or at least that’s what the Republican Party wants you to think of Insurrection II Saturday at the U.S. Capitol.

The former president, who masterminded the Jan. 6 riot, has invited to the gathering the makers of guns, American flags and flagpoles, fire extinguishers, baseball bats, pepper spray and bear spray.

“They’re all totally legal,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Overthrow, told a Capitol-steps news conference, referring to the items wielded by the thousands of violent anti-Democrat and anti-democratic Trump supporters who invaded the Capitol and disrupted Congress’ certification of Joe Biden’s election victory over him.

“This has nothing to do with that,” Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Sedition, said, surrounded by a several fellow blackguards and invited miscreants. “Do you think I or any of these Republican colleagues would even suggest that patriotic Americans should come here except to learn about how we’re making this country great again – or would be if the last presidential election and some senate and house elections hadn’t been stolen from us?”

“No,” Cruz went on. “President Trump is holding this convention to show America that American companies are still the best in the world when it comes to buying us – I mean their products and services are the best to buy us. I mean the best … oh, you know what I mean.”

Patricia and Mark McCloskey, who paid $3,000 in fines for pointing guns at demonstrators walking by their St. Louis home in June 2020, showed off three of their handguns, a Magnum Research Desert Eagle, Smith & Wesson Model 29 and Ruger Redhawk Super Alaskan, at the news conference.

“If you want to protect, say, your favorite senator but not be obvious about it, this is the way to do it,” said Mark McCloskey, running for the seat Sen. Roy Blunt, R-Coalboy, will give up next year.

Florida-based Grace Alley flag and flagpole manufacturer “are welcome to sell their wares at our convention,” Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Nuzzle, said. “I can’t think of any more patriotic gesture than to energetically show an American Eagle atop an eight-foot flagstaff and the stars and strikes – I mean stripes – to anyone within reach of you.”

Robin T. Mingle, senior vice president of Thomas & Betts, said the Memphis-based maker of zip-ties will have a Capitol-steps booth “for anyone needing to bind anyb-… anything during the convention. As always, security is our first concern.”

Former Chester, Pa., firefighter Robert Sanford, a Cintas Corp. spokesman for the maker of fire extinguishers and introduced by Rep. Scott Perry, R-Incendiary, said the company’s safety concerns prompted it to make its products available to anyone fearing excessive heat that might endanger conventioneers.

“I know how to handle these things and I’ll be on hand to demonstrate the proper way to use them,” said Sanford, who was videotaped on Jan. 6 forcefully delivering an extinguisher to Capitol police officers.

Louisville Slugger, Marucci and Rawlings, three major manufacturers of Major League bats, turned down invitations but Tater Baseball CEO Freddie Vargas said he would be demonstrating proper swinging techniques at the convention. “As you know,” he said, “the strike zone is pretty much from the chest to the knees. But you never know, if you know what I mean.”

Mark Matheny, owner of UDAP, maker of pepper spray and bear spray (the latter is pressurized to travel farther), was explaining to reporters how his products might best be used when he was interrupted by Ben Evans, CEO of Washington, D.C.-based Hellbender Brewing Co.

After a moment of confusion, Evans apologized. “The phone call I got, I thought he said ‘beer spray’ and we’ve supplied a lot of it for a judge around here, a guy named, uh, Cavanaugh or something like that. Says he really likes beer, has since he was at Georgetown Prep. Any of you guys know him?”

Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Unintelligible, said he has asked Dallas-based Master Halco, a major wholesaler of security fencing, to set up an exhibit just outside the Capitol for the convention.

“We want to see how easy or difficult it might be for people to climb over, say, a seven-foot-high chain-link fence,” Gohmert said. “Y’know, just in case we need one for President Trump’s re-inauguration – is that what they call it? – three years from now.”