Trump watches the “Fight of the Century” His is coming in the near future

The surreptitiously recorded commentary by ringside announcers Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Jorge Masvidal, Todd Grisham and others at Saturday night’s Evander Holyfield-Vitor Belfort boxing match at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida:

Grisham: Donald, I …
Trump: Don’t call me that.
Grisham: What should …
Trump: Mr. President. I still am, you know.
Donald Jr.: “You tell him, dad!
Trump: Shut up, Junior.
Masvidal: If you’re still president, can …
Trump: Whaddya mean, if?
Masvidal: Sorry. Since you’re still president, do you think you could pardon my dad?
Trump: For what?
Masvidal: He got sentenced to twenty years for some drug stuff when I was, like, four years old.
Trump: Sure. Here’s the donation form for my, um, campaign. Just make sure there are at least five numbers in front of this decimal point.
Grisham: We’re here at the beautiful Hard Rock …
Trump: I’ll say. This casino looks like a gold mine, if you ask me. I just might be interested in buying …
(Voice from a passerby): Don’t even think about it.
Trump: Who are you?
Marcellus Osceola Jr.: Chief of the Seminole Tribe of Florida. We own this joint, it’s very profitable and bankruptcy is not in our plans the way it always seems to have been in yours.
Donald Jr.: Hey, you can’t talk to my dad like …
Trump: Shut up, Junior. Jeez, if I hadn’t slept with …
Grisham: Here come the combatants!
Trump: Which one’s Hollywood?
Masvidal: It’s Holyfield. He’s wearing the …
Trump: Wait! He’s … he’s …
Masvidal: Yeah, he’s a former world heavyweight champion.
Trump: No, I mean he’s … he’s … one of them.
Masvidal: One of whom?
Trump: Y’know, like my, uh, housing guy.
Grisham: Ben Carson?
Trump: Right. Nobody told me I’d be having to talk about … um …
Grisham: This isn’t a political debate, Dona … uh … Mr. President.
Trump: The other guy. Victor …
Masvidal: Vitor. Vitor Belfort.
Trump: Vitor? What kind of name …
Masvidal: He’s Brazilian.
Trump: How’d he … I mean, I built a wall to keep …
Grisham: He’s worth six million, maybe more.
Donald Jr.: Ooh, I wanna talk to …
Trump: Shut up, Junior. If only I’d …
Ring announcer: Ladies and gentlemen. We have two celebrities I’d like to introduce. Former world heavyweight champion Mike Tyson …
Crowd cheers as “Eye of the Tiger” is played.
… and former pres- …
Crowd boos ferociously and chants obscenities, drowning out “Hail to the Chief”.
Donald Jr: Hey, they can’t …
Trump: Shut the fu- … shut up, Junior. If only I’d taken some melatonin that night …
(Bell rings)
Masvidal: Round One. Okay, the boxers are in the middle of the ring, pawing at each other.
Trump: Hey, what’s with Hollywood’s ear?
Masvidal: It’s Holyfield. Jeez, didn’t you study for this? Don’t you read anything?
Trump: Those policy papers were a waste of time. Besides, I made up shit that was more interesting than the crap they used to read to me … I mean the stuff they gave me.
Grisham: Holyfield’s backing away from Belfort. He’s …
Trump: He looks old.
Masvidal: He is. They both are. Holyfield’s fifty-eight and Belfort’s forty-four.
Trump: Fifty-eight and forty-four. That’s … Wait a minute. Eight plus four and carry the …
Masvidal: A hundred and two.
Trump: Right. This is the fight of the century. The last century. Hah! … Jeez, Hollywood looks slow, almost sleepy. Reminds me of … Who did I mention before?
Grisham: Ben Carson?
Trump: Yeah, him. Used to fall asleep at my briefings.
Mike Pence: Can you blame him?
Trump: Weasel? Where’d you come from?
Pence: Mother gave me the night off.
Masvidal: Whoa! Belfort’s pounding Holly- … Holyfield. Now you’ve got me doing it.
Trump: He’s beating him like I could beat Biden – and I mean behind the barn or two years from now.
Donald Jr.: Dad, he said he’d be a one-term pres- …
Trump: Shut up, Junior. First of all, he’s not the pres- …
Donald Jr.: And you told me and Melania and Ivanka and Eric and Tiffany and even Barron that you’re not gonna …
Trump: Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!
Donald Jr.: … not gonna run again, that you’re just saying it to get people to send you money to pay the lawyers to …
Grisham: Holyfield is down! The count is five, six …
Masvidal: Where you going, Don?
Trump (his voice fading in the distance): Shut up! All of you, just shut the … Hey, check out this spread. Wow! Cheeseburgers! I love cheeseburgers!