Hey, kids, look what the ‘grands’ brought you

Now that vaccinated grandparents desperate to hug their grandchildren have been given the go-ahead by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention after months of being limited to phone calls and Zooming, seniors from coast to coast are wondering what to bring the tykes for their first in-person visit.

The toy industry is coming to the rescue with playthings for both children and their parents, items designed specifically for people of every age who, despite the relaxing of visitation guidelines, may still be quarantined for weeks at a time or need a fantasy to get through the day.

Hasbro’s has upgraded Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head to include genitalia (batteries not included). Mattel is offering specialist upgrades to its toy doctor kits with My Little Gynecologist and My Little Urologist and, for the budding veterinarian, My Little Vivisectionist. And for children who want to pretend they’re trapped in a mind-crushing dead-end job like mommy or daddy, Fisher-Price has added a tiny refrigerator stocked with 50ml bottles of whiskey, scotch and gin to its My Home Office toy.

A new entry is the Barbie Hold My Breath Doll, for children who have already ripped to shreds their Barbie Breathe With Me Meditation Doll. The Hold My Breath version comes with make-believe screaming children, a Ken Doll who shows up only periodically and spends most of his time in his man cave, and miniature containers of diazepam and alprazolam. There’s also a premium size, fit for moms on the edge.

For the soon-to-graduate high school student or collegian who has missed the conviviality of classmates, there’s the Personal Spring Break Kit, including a one-size-too-small bathing suit, two-sizes-too-big flip-flops, sun lamp, bag of sand, Jagermeister Machine, beer bong, vomit bags, and a handwritten breakup note from a boyfriend or girlfriend.

For the dad who misses the hours in the corporate headquarters and business lunches, you can’t beat the Show Me What You’ve Got blow-up secretary/office manager doll who’ll do everything from taking dictation to running the company but will sue the hell out of him if he tries to get too “handsy.” There’s also a “Republicrat” model for governors and congressmen.

And there’s a top-of-the-line “I’m-Still-The-President” package, including an animatronic starlet/stripper, pretend stationery, putting green, unlimited fast-food coupons, gold toilet, two-inch television permanently tuned to OAN, letters from sycophants promising to assault the state capitol(s) of his choice, recordings of make-believe senators, congressmen and congresswomen vowing lifelong fealty, a sidekick lawyer doll who sweats chocolate syrup, and millions of dollars in play money to pay for either a 2024 campaign or attorneys and bail (non-transferable to children related by birth or marriage).