A dollar here, a dollar there. It all adds up.

Donald Trump has listed the White House as a $78-million loss and claimed the other 4,498 U.S. residents named Trump as dependents, according to his federal income tax returns.

“When Melania and I moved into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue that place was a dump,” the former president said. “We poured a ton of money into it to make it livable. The gold toilets and fixtures for the 35 bathrooms ran way over budget.

“Then there was the business of converting one of the three kitchens into a McDonald’s and paying the full-time staff of teenagers and retirees in case I got hungry watching reruns of Hannity and The Ingraham Angle in the middle of the night. Now the place is a palace and fit for a king, if you known what I mean.”

According to records Donald Trump claims to have unearthed through research, Friedrich Trump, his grandfather, emigrated from Kallstadt, Germany, to the United States in 1885, anglicized his first name to Frederick and copyrighted his last name, enabling his grandson to claim ownership of it and thus of all people sharing it.

“Gramps was pretty shrewd,” he said. “Too bad he wasn’t named Smith or Jones, or I’d really have raked it in.”

Trump said he also has filed copyrights for slogans including “political witch hunt,” “stop the steal,” “lock her up,” “no collusion” and “fake news” and has filed suit against the thousands of insurrectionists who stormed the Capitol on Jan. 6. “Every one of them owes me a dollar for every time one of them used one of my wholly owned phrases,” he said.

As for Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance Jr.’s pursuit of his tax records, Trump said it was just a big misunderstanding and that he never intended to hide any of his financial documents.

“I told (CNN news anchor) Anderson Cooper back in 2016 that I was taking a course on tax law at Trump University, which we all know was one of the greatest institutions of higher learning, and I was auditing it because I knew if I got a grade it would be the best and would shame the rest of the class,” Trump claimed.

“Cooper screwed it up and said my taxes were being audited and, well, I didn’t want to embarrass him so I just went along with it and somehow it got all blown out of proportion. I mean, if the lawyers had just asked me nicely instead of carrying on about subpoenas and litigation, I’d have gladly given them whatever they wanted.”