The Minority Leader-Former POTUS Summit

The secretly recorded transcript of the meeting Thursday between Rep. Kevin McCarthy, R-Sycophant, and Donald J. Trump at the former president’s golf course near Mar-a-Lago.

(Sound of shrubbery rustling to the left of the third tee)
Kevin McCarthy: “Mr. President?”
Donald Trump: “In here. It was a practice swing. Doesn’t count.”
KM: “Uh, it’s Kevin McCarthy, not your caddie.“
DJT: “Oh, right. What did you want to see me about?”
KM: “The party. Have you …”
DJT (Emerging from the shrubbery): “Wait a minute. Did you pay to use that golf cart?”
KM: “Well no. They gave …”
DJT: “That’s two thousand. I’ll deduct it from your salary. Wait. What party? I didn’t authorize a victory party?”
KM: “No, Mr. President. The Republican Party. We’re a dumpster fire since you …”
DJT: “Don’t say it. Don’t you dare!“
KM: “Since you, uh, came in second but, uh, won on a disqualification?”
DJT: “Good. So what’s the problem?”
KM: “Well, we all still love you and would do anything for you, but since the, uh, gathering at the Capitol by the proud bo- … I mean your proud supporters who tried …”
DJT: “Losers. All losers. Nothing but losers!”
KM: “Wait a minute, Mr. Pres …”
DJT: “Did they stop the steal? No. Did they find Nancy? No. Did they get to Mr. Turtle and my pet weasel?”
KM: “Who?”
DJT: “McConnell and Pence. Did anyone find them? No. Did anything I or Rudy or that My Pillow moron or my idiot No. 1 son call for get done? No. Bunch of pathetic losers.”
KM: “But we’re still behind you. Matt Gaetz and Josh Hawley …”
DJT: “Hah! I love those guys. If I was a ventriloquist they’d be my favorite dummies. I’d be bigger than Jeff Dunham.”
KM: “And Marjorie …”
DJT: “I hear she’s part Jewish. Wasn’t Daniel Burros like a distance cousin?”
KM: “Who.”
DJT: “The Nazi party guy who killed himself when the failing New York Times revealed he was a Jew.”
KM: “I don’t know about that.”
DJT: “Well, find out about that. Jared told me that somebody from some synagogue in Alpharetta told him she only looks like a shiksa, whatever that means. Oh, and find out if she’s part Iranian, too.”
KM: “I doubt that, Mr. President. She’s a member of one of your big support groups.”
DJT: “Who? Q-anal?”
KM: “Something like that. But look, Mr. President. We have to have an answer for your faithful Republican senators and congressmen who …”
DJT: “They’ll all be with me.”
KM: “When?”
DJT: “When I get the Patriot Party up and running. Like you said, the GOP’s in the toilet. By 2022 it’ll be even a bigger bunch of losers.”
KM: “No, Mr. President. We can’t wait that long. We have to come up with a strategy now. Half the country is, forgive me, against you. There’s going to be a trial. I can’t guarantee Mitch’ll keep everybody in line. People are going to want an accounting.”
DJT: “I’ll say.”
(Trump returns to the shrubbery)
KM: “Huh?”
DJT: “I need an accounting. This golf club’s losing money by the ton since November. So’s Mar-a-Lago. I need someone who knows how to cook the books. Meanwhile, get in here. Help me look for my balls.”
(End transcript)