Soon-to-be-former President Donald Trump plans to split the GOP, taking with him his most ardent supporters to form a new political party called the Special Republican Guard (SRG).
“I got this idea when Steve (Stephen Miller, the president’s senior policy adviser and deputy assistant undersecretary of vampires) told me he was reading a book about Saddam Hussein,” Trump said, “and I looked him up and was very impressed when I found out how he ran Iran.”
In fact, Hussein, president of Iraq from 1979-2003, created the SRG to protect him, his palace and other sites he owned, and to put down any coup, rebellion or other threat to him or his family.
“Everybody knows I won re-election,” Trump said, “and the Democrat Party is staging a coup to take power. This is my answer. It’s in the Constitution. Bill Barr said so.”
Early surveys of GOP members of Congress suggest a large minority of Republicans plan to join Trump’s attempt to retain power and simultaneously create a viable third-party.
“I’ll be proud to quarterback his new team,” Auburn University football coach-turned-freshman senator Tommy Tuberville, R-Yokel, said, “although I doubt I’ll have to after we overturn (President-elect Joe) Biden’s election next Wednesday. And if that doesn’t work, well, half a dozen NFL teams are going to be looking for a head coach pretty soon.”
Sen. Josh Hawley, R-Cashbox, expected to object to the certification of the Electoral College vote, said he is raising funds to “fight for election integrity” or his 2024 presidential campaign. And Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Slackjaw, who has sued Vice President Mike Pence to declare the Electoral College unconstitutional, said he also plans to sue the GOP to prevent it from continuing to call itself the Republican Party.
Saddam Hussein was captured by U.S. forces on Dec. 13, 2003, and after an Iraqi tribunal he was convicted of crimes against humanity and hanged on Dec. 30, 2006 – to which President Trump said, “Wait … What?”
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