COVID relief checks: more like checkmate

The U.S. Government is expected to begin sending coronavirus relief checks to about 160 million Americans the last week in December, the amount based on congressional formulas.

The nearly $1-trillion COVID-19 bill underwent a series of revisions just prior to passage, said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Mount Crumpit), who called it the “GOPerfect” bill after Sen. Charles Shumer (D-Suckerpunched) had left the Capitol.

For adults with annual incomes up to $75,000, the bill will provide a $600 payment to each registered Republican voter plus an additional $500 with proof that they voted for President Trump on Nov. 3. Each of their children will receive a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Model Air Rifle.

Democratic-registered adults will receive $400 worth of Chick-fil-A, Burger King and Taco Bell coupons. Their children will receive a letter of apology from Santa Claus.

Republican adult voters with incomes exceeding $75,000 will receive an additional $75,000 in an offshore account while their Democratic counterparts will be audited.

Married Republican couples are eligible to receive unspecified amount of HealthSouth and Tyco International stock upon proof that the union is between one man and one woman. All other married couples will be asked to leave the party. Single parents (“head of household”) with children will be asked to find a mate, get married and refile in 2021.

To aid the food industry, Sen. Susan Collins (R-Vacillate) said restaurants “with damask linens and crystal tableware” would receive payments based on the number of three-martini meals served during 2016-2019, along with “small food-processing companies employing 1,800 or more non-union workers who haven’t died from the virus.”

The bill was passed with bipartisan support after the Democrats traded away most of their favored portions of the legislation in exchange for a promise by McConnell not to roadblock any of President-elect Joseph Biden’s Supreme Court nominees should anything unfortunate befall any current justices.