“King James” has competition for his title

Following the apparent resolution of LeBron James’ dispute with Carnival Corp. over it’s application for a “King James” trademark for one of its cruise ships, the living ancestors of James Charles Stuart (1566-1625), better known as King James I of England, have sued the basketball star for “illegal use of a nickname.”

The plaintiffs include Queen Elizabeth II of England, King Philippe of Belgium, Queen Margrethe II of Denmark, King Willem-Alexander of The Netherlands, and King Harald V of Norway, plus all their children and grandchildren, not to mention various dukes, earls, viscounts and others of questionable lineage.

“First of all, there’s the King James Bible, which my great-great-great-I don’t know now many greats-grandfather James authorized and which I think he paid to copyright and stick his name on,” Queen Elizabeth II said, taking a break from watching an episode of The Crown, “so this Los Angeles Laker of which you speak has no right to claim royalty.

“Furthermore, King James I wrote The Trve Lawe of Free Monarchies, which sets forth the divine right of kings, not to mention Daemonologie, a philosophical dissertation on historical relationships between various methods of divination. What has this LeBron gentleman written besides a picture book for little children? And he didn’t even draw the pictures!”

James – the athlete, not his late Royal Highness – said he will protest what he referred to as “that other James family” insisting that the case be tried in The Hague, the International Court of Justice in The Netherlands. “Why should ‘Willy’ and all those other guys have the home-court advantage?” the Lakers star said. “Put it at a neutral site like, I don’t know, maybe Cleveland or Miami.”