Category Archives: Uncategorized

By BRUCE LOWITT Following a series of what Paris Olympic organizers called “completely predictable unfortunate events including diseases, disappearances and altered physiques,” the remaining marathon swimming events in the River Seine were canceled Monday.“We believe that after testing the athletes and discovering some, ahem, ‘unexplained problems’, we have decided that subjecting competitors to whatever’s goingContinue reading “In-Seine? Out”

By BRUCE LOWITT Felonious candidate Donald Trump, not exactly admitting his mistake in selecting J.D. Vance as his vice presidential running mate, announced Friday that the Ohio senator has “volunteered to step down” and has been replaced by Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley. “D.J. – that’s what I call J.D. since we’re so close and I’mContinue reading “Add-Vance … Retreat”

By BRUCE LOWITT The National Republican Congressional Committee announced Thursday that the $14.3-million it raised in June will be devoted to the campaign of soon-to-be-former Democratic New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez – running as an independent in Delaware. “When Dr. (Mehmet) Oz lived in New Jersey and ran for the Senate in Pennsylvania, even thoughContinue reading “Menendez and the GOP: In-Dependent”

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump, expressing buyer’s remorse and panicking over the likelihood of having to campaign against Kamala Harris, jettisoned J.D. Vance as his vice presidential candidate Monday and began a desperate and so-far-unsuccessful search for what he called “a pansy running mate who’ll make me even more likeable.” After meeting with several ofContinue reading “Trump’s Queer Theory”

By BRUCE LOWITT Rory McIlroy celebrated missing the cut at the British Open by jumping in front of a speeding car driven by Tiger Woods Saturday as they left the Royal Troon Golf Club – and Woods, who had missed most of his shots for two days and also missed the cut, missed McIlroy asContinue reading “The Open: Closed to Rory and Tiger”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a recording of the meeting of the Republican National Committee (RNC), the Freedom Caucus, and the Heritage Foundation to formulate the framework of Project 2029, to be implemented upon the 2028 election of then-Vice President Marjorie Taylor Greene to become the 48th President of the United States in theContinue reading “From furor to Führer”

By BRUCE LOWITT The glorious and romantic Seine River that flows through Paris turns out to be so polluted and deadly that the 2024 Summer Olympics’ marathon swimming and triathlon events will be moved to the Loire, the Rhone, the Rhine or possibly the Mississippi River. “We’re not ruling that last one out,” Bruno LeContinue reading “In Seine? Pas de putain de moyen!”

By BRUCE LOWITT Human garbage disposal Joey Chestnut, 16-time champion of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, exploded early Friday morning, setting a nearby hillside ablaze just hours after eating 57 plant-based weiners in five minutes at a rival competition at Fort Bliss, Texas. Chestnut, 41, who was banned from the Nathan’s contest after signingContinue reading “Chestnut’s roasting”

By BRUCE LOWITT Rudy Giuliani lost his New York law license and just about everything else except his underwear on Tuesday. The former star federal prosecutor, once hailed as “America’s Mayor” for his leadership in the wake of the 2001 attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, Giuliani spent the past fewContinue reading “Rudy 000: Licensed to do nothing”

By BRUCE LOWITT In his first official presidential act since the Supreme Court’s decision Monday granting immunity for all official presidential acts, Joe Biden ordered the assassination of his predecessor and competitor for the White House. “I used to think that I’d enjoy watching my opponent wearing a complexion-matching jumpsuit as he was being marchedContinue reading “Courting Disaster”