By BRUCE LOWITT
Vice President JD Vance announced that he will run for prime minister of Hungary against Viktor Orban after being told by Donald Trump that he’ll be banished from the MAGAverse for not fully supporting the president’s now-temporarily halted plan to annihilate Iran.
“It’s great that we’ve avoided World War Three for the time being,” Vance said, “but it’s just another example of Trump’s pussiness. First he ignores me, then Tuesday night he comes to his senses.
“He told me I won’t be able to run for president in 2028 because he’ll be going after a third term, and also that I won’t be his VP again because I initially said starting a war with Iran over regime change would be a disaster and because it would cost him the voters who believed him when he promised no new wars, but mostly because I told him he was, and I quote, ‘a fucking insane warmongering autocratic womanizing narcissist’ and I think he really got pissed about the ‘womanizing’ thing.”
By the time Vance came around to telling the president, “Do whatever the fuck you want,” Trump had decided to banish him to Budapest, to support the reelection campaign of Orban, Hungary’s far-right nationalistic narcissistic autocrat and Trump’s closest (and possibly only) European ally.
“I told Orban, ‘The president loves you and so do I,’ but that was just before I got the call from Trump telling me I was on his shitlist,” Vance said. “Then he pulls another TACO, calling off the attack for two weeks. … I wouldn’t be his veep if he gave me Melania. She probably makes less noise during sex than a couch – she has the personality of a Serta sofa – and I bet she’d be thrilled to get laid for the first time since the Obama administration.”
Vance said he’s running to unseat Orban because “Usha thinks I’d look really sexy with a Hungarian mustache. Also, um … Oh, yeah. Hungarians are suffering through Europe’s highest inflation, and the government has failed to fund health care and education. Trump’s doing the same thing back home, and I wouldn’t want to have to defend the GOP in November.”
“Also, Trump’s the most corrupt president ever, which I can’t defend, and Orban is Hungary’s most corrupt prime minister ever, which I … uh … ahem. Hell, Orban’s son-in-law is unfuckingbelievably rich from grift and graft – and doesn’t that remind you of our president’s son-in-law?
“I’m going to put Hungary back on its feet and get rid of government corruption, right? I mean, um, nobody can get rid of all of it, right?” Vance added. “I mean I have three children and, heh-heh, kids gotta eat, right?”
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