How much?! For what!?!!

By BRUCE LOWITT

The Trump Administration admitted that a portion of the $200-billion taxpayer dollars it is requesting to continue what it calls the “short-term excursion” in Iran has already been spent by an undisclosed number of the president’s sycophants for what it calls “necessities” such as makeup, Botox, and high-altitude condoms.

Twice-demoted Kristi Noem spent more than $200-million alone while she was Department of Homeland Security Secretary, with the vast majority of it paying for DHS advertising campaigns that involved her sitting on (and occasionally falling off) a horse while posing in front of Mount Rushmore.

The scenes of her spills, and of remarkable footage that appeared to show George Washington and Abraham Lincoln laughing, were deleted from the videos of Noem, who left the DHS to become special envoy for the Shield of the Americas but has since been reassigned as warden at the Tafuna Correctional Facility in American Samoa.

The bills for what were described by surgeons as repairing “her broken ass” and other injuries sustained when the mustang kicked her “there and elsewhere” were included in DHS invoices obtained by various news organizations under the Freedom of Information Act.

Also among the bills, which Noem attempted to label “Top Secret” but were publicized on the internet by dozens of former DHS staffers fired by her for laughing at her during the ad shoot, were $4,000 for hair and makeup services, $10,000 to try and buy the silence of hair and makeup providers, $20,000 to rent a South Dakota barrel racer horse, $32,000 for three-dozen mistakenly ordered AR-15 rifle barrels, and $2,325 to replace three pairs of soiled Prada Lace Hipster panties.

“If that fucking horse had just stood still, none of this would’ve come out,” Noem growled.

Corey Lewandowski, previously one of Noem’s top aides at DHS and her paramour before and since, filed invoices of $18,000 for leather conditioning products as well as protection, sanitization, and disinfection of an unspecified number of luxury jet airplane seats, and $26,520 for two thousand Lifestyles Skyn Non Latex Condoms.

“Some of them broke,” Lewandowski said.

Pam Bondi’s $7,600 in hair and makeup bills almost doubled Noem’s, and the attorney general also ran up $1,738,950 in charges for an unspecified number of facial Botox treatments, including the cost of round trip private jets from Washington, D.C., to Beverly Hills, California, and hotel suites.

When asked by Sen. Alex Padilla, D-Handcuffed, whether she thought the total cost of her facials might seem a bit high, Bondi attempted to smile but cracked her jaw in three places and had to be transported to Walter Reed Hospital for treatment.

The bar bills run up by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and FBI Director Kash Patel were difficult to determine with total accuracy, said Gene L. Dodaro, U.S. Comptroller General and head of the General Accounting Office, “because so many of them were soaked with whatever they were drinking, and their numbers and signatures were kind of ragged.”

“But near as I can tell, Hegseth’s imported whiskey cost us about $210,000, and Kash – he sure loves his Sam Adams Utopias at about two-fifty a bottle – rang up a cool $90,000,” Dodaro said.

President Donald Trump caught the 2,500 men in his administration by surprise, purchasing a pair of $150 Florsheim shoes for each of them, guessing the size they wore rather than asking them.

“I’m sure every one of them loved the gift,” Trump said. “I’m sure they’ll impress everyone who sees them.”

Meanwhile, Steven C. Preston, president and CEO of Goodwill Industries International, told a news conference in his Rockville, Maryland, office that his charity had never received such an overwhelming number of identical donations from around the country, that the value of the massive and unexpected increase in individual pairs of footwear received by his nonprofit was “approaching half a million bucks’ worth and still counting.”