Trump: Please remit

By BRUCE LOWITT

The invoice that landed on the desk of Gustavo Petro requested a payment in the five-hundred-million-dollar neighborhood. The President of Colombia lives in a pretty upscale neighborhood and the president of the United States said he figured Petro could afford to pay the bill. Or else.

According to The Associated Press, Petro has been designated a “priority target” by the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration’s staff, which has been reduced by President Donald Trump’s massive budget cuts to a dozen college-age bros loading up on China White, Mexican Speedballs and Marshmallow Reds in the basement of the DEA headquarters in Arlington, Va.

“If Juan Orlando Hernandez could donate a nice round one-billion bucks to my reelection campaign,” Trump said of the former president of Honduras, “I figure Gus – that’s what I call Petro since we’re about to become very good friends – can easily come up with half that, for three reasons.

“One, he’s a president. I’m sure he’s got that much in some of his bank accounts. Doesn’t every president? Hell, I’ve got that much lying around in petty cash,” Trump said. “Two, a timely payment will save him the cost, not to mention the embarrassment, of getting his ass tossed in jail and hiring lawyers and the rest of the shit Hernandez had to go through before I pardoned him. And, three, does the name ‘Maduro’ sound familiar? I’m still waiting for that cabron’s check.”

The DEA is reportedly also investigating Petro’s idea to leverage his “total peace plan” with Mexico’s Sinaloa cartel to aid drug traffickers who contributed to his presidential campaign, a concept which, Trump said, “sounds a lot like my Peace Board, something – with minor differences, of course – I could use two years from now with what’s left of the Republican Party in my next reelection campaign.”

A member of Trump’s administration, who was once convicted of felony heroin possession and is now advising the president on potential drug targets, spoke on condition of anonymity because he didn’t want to lose his job as Secretary of Health and Human Services.

“I’m sure we could still go after (former Syrian President) Bashar Al-Assad,” he said, “and I bet half the leaders of what our grand and glorious president calls shithole countries are trafficking in shit. I mean, if you think about it, ‘Trump’, ‘drugs’, and ‘pardon’ go together like ‘peanut’, ‘butter’, and ‘jelly’.”