Would Woods, or not?

By BRUCE LOWITT

Tiger Woods says he’ll play in next month’s Master’s Tournament, but the five-time champion, who hasn’t played in a tournament since failing to make the cut at the Open Championship in July 2024, has placed some conditions on his return next month to the Augusta National Golf Club – including the use of a tee-to-green luxury RV on every hole.

“I may not have played competitively for a year and a half but I’m still the biggest freaking draw on the tour,” he said, “and if Augusta National Chairman Fred Ridley and the rest of the fat-cat owners want the crowds and the television ratings I attract, they’ll pull out all the stops to make sure I’m happy and, more important, not tired from all that walking.

“First of all, I’m not totally healed from last year’s surgeries to repair a ruptured Achilles tendon and a bulging disc, and I’m still feeling the effects of when I crashed my car in 2021. If I was on the Champions Tour (formerly the Seniors Tour), I’d be allowed to use a golf cart like the rest of those guys can during regular tournaments. But even that, bouncing around from hole to hole, hurts.

“So I’ve bought a Foretravel Realm Presidential Luxury Villa 2 to live in during the Masters. Cost me a million bucks but it’s worth it, a virtual palace on wheels. And Vanessa says she wouldn’t come unless I bought it, and I’m sure everyone knows that what the former Mrs. Donald Trump Jr. wants, she gets, including me. It’ll take me wherever I hit the ball over the seventy-two holes. It won’t be parked on any of the fairways or greens; just on the edge of the rough.”

Additionally, Woods said he wants a special exemption from the cut that will guarantee he plays all four rounds regardless of his 36-hole score and that in Sunday’s final round he gets to select who he’ll be partnered with.

“I want to make sure my TaylorMade driver, woods, irons, and wedges, my Scotty Cameron Newport putter, and my Bridgestone Tour B X golf ball get maximum exposure,” he said, “not to mention my Sun Day Red golf apparel and shoes. And no way am I letting them pair me with that Scottie Scheffler. Have you seen him play? He’s really good.“

Woods and the late Sam Snead share the record of 82 PGA Tour victories. Tiger’s last win was the Zozo Championship in Japan in 2019, the same year he won his fifth Masters, one shy of Jack Nicklaus’ record in golf’s major championships. In his most recent Masters, in 2024, Woods finished last, 16 over par, the highest score ever in his pro career.

He turned 50 on December 30 and is eligible for the PGA Tour Champions, “which makes me a young fart,” he said, “and if Augusta National’s not going to welcome me the way I deserve to be welcomed, I’ll just join the old farts. I’m sure they’ll welcome the attention I’ll bring them, not to mention the, um, ‘friends’ Vanessa will bring along to entertain any of the, y’know, lonely seniors.”