By BRUCE LOWITT
President Donald Trump, infuriated by Venezuela’s 3-2 World Baseball Classic victory over the United States, has threatened to return President Nicolas Meduro and his wife to Caracas “so the bastard and his bitch can fuck up their shithole country by resuming their drug trafficking and narcoterrorism.”
“I mean, we invented the damn game. Why the hell did we kidnap their president if they weren’t going to let us win? Where’s the gratitude?” Trump snarled. Sending them home, he added, would not relieve Venezuela of its obligation to supply the United States with as much oil as its wants, whether it’s needed or not.
“As soon as we end our, uh, combat excursion in Iran and the rest of the Middle East,” he said, “which will be as soon as I decide we’ve gotten out of it whatever it is we’re trying to get, once I figure that out, and as soon as we take control of the Strait of Hormuz, which I’m renaming the Strait of America … What the hell were we talking about?
“Oh,yeah. If any Venezuelan drugs find their way into the United States, I’ll go after anything else they export, like gold, iron and steel products, aluminum, chemical products, fertilizers, and fish and seafood, which I know all about,” Trump said, “because my son Barron showed me how to look it up on Gargle on his computer.
“And if that doesn’t teach the Maduros a lesson, I’ll pull off a four-for-one swap that’ll have Nicolas and Cilia begging for mercy. They’ve got four kids between them and I’ll send our Special Forces back there to round them up and bring them here, and drop off Eric, our son we don’t talk about, who’s really been getting on my nerves lately, asking me shit like, ‘Daddy, can I see the inside of the ballroom?’
In the WBC championship game at loanDepot Park in Miami’s Little Havana neighborhood, Boston (and USA) right-hander Garrett Whitlock gave up Cincinnati third baseman Eugenio Suarez’s tie-breaking double for Venezuela in the top of the ninth before Daniel Palencia, a Chicago Cubs reliever, retired the USA in order in the bottom of the inning.
The Venezuelans, waving and wearing their nation’s flag, swarmed the field as the mostly pro-Venezuelan crowd roared its approval.
When Trump, watching the game on one of the White House televisions not tuned to Newsmax or One America, saw the final out, he fired a ketchup-loaded McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese at the screen and shouted, “Fucking Cubans! Now I’m really going to take their country.”
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