Iran: No Assembly Required

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript of a meeting involving Iran’s Assembly of Experts following the killing of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei during the bombing raids on Tehran and other Iranian cities by the United States and Israel. The recording was made using a device hidden in the robe of a spy planted as a member of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps by an Israeli spy and radio-activated when he delivered an order of bagels and lox to a meeting of the IRGC’s executive board.

Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei (son of the late Ali Khamenei): “Okay, first thing, we have to keep all the lights off. I mean, pretty smart of me, setting us up in a McDonald’s, right? Just stay away from the windows. Second thing, I think we should call the roll. IRGC Commander Mohammad Pakour?”
(Silence)
Khamenei: “Mohammad?”
Masoud Pezeshkian (President of Iran): “Uh, dead.”
Khamenei: “Okay. Defense Council Secretary Ali Shamkanhi?”
(Silence)
Pezeshkian: “Uh, dead.”
Khamenei: “Fuck! Abdolrahim Mo-…”
Pezeshkain: “Ahem …”
Khamenei: “Don’t tell me.”
Pezeshkian: “Yeah. Dead.”
Khamenei: “Jesus Chr… Sorry. Damn, it’s dark in here. Okay, tell you what. Stop me when I hit a live one. Aziz Nasirzadeh. … Hossain Jabal Amelian. … Mohsen Darrebaghui. … Kristi Noem. …”
Pezeshkian: “Wait. Who?”
Khamenei: “Just kidding. I wanted to see if you were paying attention. … Gholamreza Rezian. … Saleh Asadi. …”
Pezeshkian: “Saleh? Didn’t he coach the New York Jets?”
Khamenei: “That was Robert Saleh. With Tennessee now. The Titans finished three-and-fourteen last year. He’d be better off …”
Pezeshkian: “Don’t say it.”
Khamenei “Yeah. You’re right. Bad taste. Okay … Mohammad Baseri. … Reza Mozaffari-Nia. … Ali Larijani …” “Here.”
Pezeshkian: “We have a winner! Secretary of some council. Dunno him but I’m sure he’s …”
Khamenei: “He’s alive. He just posted a hilarious video on TikTok. Okay, Anyone else? Ayatollah Alireza Arafi?” “Here.” “Hossein Taeb?” “Here.” “Amir Ali Hajizadeh?” “Yo!” “Ahmad Reza-Radan?” “Yo mama!”
(Silence)
Khamenei: “Always the smartass, eh, Ahmad?”
Reza-Radan: “Don’t tell no one but I been watchin’ Chappelle on Netflix. Dude’s got …”
Khamenei: “I catch you doin’ that, I be tap-dancin’ on yo ass fo real.”
(Silence)
Khamenei: “Okay, we got us a quorum. Now the next order of business is to elect a new leader.”
Taeb: “Whoa! Hold on! Aren’t you the new leader?”
Khamenei: “No.”
Reza-Radan: “But yo daddy …”
Khamenei: “My daddy wanted me to be a dentist.”
Taeb: “Then how …?”
Khamenei: “The Assembly of So-Called Experts – yeah, you bastards and the dead guys – you proclaimed me that. More choreographed than a fucking Busby Berkeley musical. You think I want to wind up like daddy, melted into a million pieces in his so-called bomb-proof office? No thank you. Somebody else? … Anybody?”
(Long silence)
Reza-Radan: “Okay, I’ll do it.”
Khamenei: “Really? Why?”
Reza-Radan: “Six wives, seventeen screaming kids and mishpucha out the wazoo.”
Larijani: “Mish- what?”
Reza-Radan: “In-laws. It’s Yiddish. Learned it from my tailor, a Persian Jew in Shiraz. He’s teaching me his language – I pay him in old Jackie Mason and Henny Youngman albums – so I can survive when Israel takes us over.”
Taeb: “Well better them than that fat orange moron.”
Hajizadeh: “Yeah, like we’re ever going to unconditionally surrender.”
Reza-Radan: “We’ll unconditionally surrender when he unconditionally releases all the Steinberg files.”
Khamenei: “Epstein. Listen, Ahmad, if you don’t know even that, how the hell are you going to … Y’know what? None of us wants the job. We’ve got to find someone stupid enough to take it but not fuck it up. Suggestions?”
Taeb: “Vance?”
(Prolonged laughter)
Larijani: “Well, he’s got a nice beard going for him. And we’ve got plenty of couches he’d like to have sex with …”
Khamenei: “No good. When Tiny Hands is out of office, and assuming there’s an Iran still around in three years, we’ll want JD in the White House. I’d rather have him fucking up his country than ours.”
Taeb: “Bondi?”
Reza-Radan: “Ooh, speaking of shiksas I’d like to have sex with …”
Larijani: “Shik- what?”
Reza-Radan: “Look it up.”
Taeb: “Hegseth?”
Khamanei: “Alcohol is strictly prohibited in the Quran and Hadith. He’d never even pass a blood test. How about …”
Larijani: “Wait. What’s that whistling? Sounds like a rocket.”
Khamanei: “Oh, don’t be sill-”

(Recording ends)