A World Unwelcome

By BRUCE LOWITT

Sunday’s NBA All-Star Games program has been revised and the rest of the league’s season has been canceled after President Donald Trump issued an executive order banning what he called “excessively tall and not necessarily white migrants from remaining in our great country.”

“If I had known that these men from shithole countries and other unpronounceable places were taking valuable jobs from patriotic Proud American boys, I would have shut down the borders to them during my first term,” Trump said.

The All-Star game program had called for a pair of teams, USA Stars and USA Stripes, made up of American-born players, and two World teams playing a round-robin series of games.

Stephen Miller, White House Chief of Staff for Policy, Homeland Security Advisor, and Caligula superfan, was quoted as telling Trump that “scum like this, no matter how high they can jump and throw a ball through a hoop, don’t deserve to be allowed to come to our great nation and make millions of dollars that would otherwise go to short white Americans with names like Smith and Jones and Miller.”

Among the foreign-born NBA players targeted by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem are Milwaukee Bucks 6-foot-11 power forward Giannis Antetokounmpo of Greece, whose name Trump mispronounced as ‘gigantic antelope,” and Luka Dončić, “though I do think he was great in those Godfather movies,” the president said, confusing the Lakers’ 6-foot-8 point guard with the film’s fictional Luca Brasi.

After convening an emergency meeting to deal with Trump’s banning of foreign-born players, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver sent scouts to New York City’s famous Rucker Park, where former, current, and future star basketball players have showcased their skills for decades, and signed more than a dozen locals to fill out a roster to replace the World all-star teams.

“They’re on their way to Los Angeles,” Silver said. “The games at the Clippers’ Intuit Dome will go on as planned, but with some changes. And from what I’ve been told, the Ruckers, replacing the ‘World’ teams, are going to play under the name FuckTrump.”