World Cup Soccer gets a kick in the balls

By BRUCE LOWITT

After first wrecking the plans of foreign World Cup soccer fans by imposing extreme travel restrictions, President Trump announced Thursday he going a major step further by banning all but six of the teams themselves from competing in the United States.

Further, Trump said, “If Mexico and Canada think they’re going to circus-… cisco-… cirrus-… circlejer-… get around my decision the way they’ve tried to by inviting any of the banned teams to play down there or up there, fat chance. They can bitch all they want, but we’ll impose one-thousand percent tariffs on everything those beaners or canucks want to sell us.”

By preventing forty-two of the scheduled forty-eight nations from coming to the United States for the June 11-July 19 FIFA World Cup competition, Trump all but guaranteed a first championship for the U.S. men’s team, whose previous best finish for soccer’s most prestigious trophy was third in the inaugural 1930 tournament. The U.S. National Women’s Team, on the other hand, has won the FIFA World Cup four times, more than any other nation.

Barring any changes to the reduced field, the men’s teams – other than the United States, Canada, and Mexico – still welcome to compete in the tournament are from Ghana, Iran, and Qatar. The United States finished 14^th in the 2022 World Cup, with Mexico 22^nd, Ghana 24^th, Iran 26^th, Canada 31^st, and Qatar 32^nd (last).

“I’d like to thank FIFA President Gianni Infantino for his willingness to withdraw Italy and Switzerland, two nations where he’s a soccer … excuse me, a football administrator, from the World Cup,” Trump said. “Also, I’d like to thank him not only for the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize awarded to me last month, but also for renaming the World Cup championship trophy in my honor.

“I know it was supposed to be a surprise announcement until after we won the title, but I just wanted to let the U.S. Mint and our other companies know in advance so they’ll have all our coins, miniature trophies, and other souvenirs ready for sale at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey and elsewhere as soon as the final ends,” he added.

One hour after Trump concluded his remarks, Tom Homan, the president’s so-called Border Czar, called an impromptu news conference to announce that “similar restrictions regarding travel by teams and their fans will be in place for the 2028 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles.”

“We’ll have more to say about that later this year,” Homan added, “but if Stephen Miller has his way, there may not be enough so-called ‘Americans’ left here to field an Olympic team.”