FIFA, nein. FIBA, oui.

By BRUCE LOWITT

After the National Basketball Association said it had come to an agreement with soccer’s world governing body to establishing a pro basketball league in Europe, FIFA pronounced the NBA “full of shit and doesn’t know what the fuck it’s talking about.”

Adam Silver, commissioner of the NBA, announced at a news conference that his league had met with dozens of potential investors who have expressed interest in ownership of European franchises that would compete against NBA teams.

Gianni Infantino, FIFA’s president, said Silver “obviously has been smoking or ingesting whatever Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, Draymond Green, and a bunch of his other players have been suspended for, because why would we want our players using their hands in our game? That’s why it’s called football. Foot  … ball. I mean, merda!”

In a live televised meeting, Silver told reporters for France’s Le Monde, Greece’s Kathimerini, Lithuania’s Lietuvos rytas, and other European newspapers that Infantino “must’ve taken a few too many headers – is that what it’s called? – when he was a player and it scrambled his brain because why else would … .”

At which point the NBA commissioner was interrupted by Michael Perrelli, the league’s Director of International Communications, who handed Silver a sheet of paper with what appeared to be a few large letters printed on it.

“Oh, uh, ahem, excuse me,” Silver told the assembled media. “There seems to be a bit of, um, a mistake here. It’s not FIFA we’re talking with. It’s FIBA. Not FIFA. FIBA. Ba! BAH! BAH! The people whom run international basketball. The letters look kind of the same and – hell, I need new glasses. Sorry, Gino …or, uh … what’s his name again?”

After a brief recess, an obviously abashed Silver returned and said the NBA was looking to establish teams in London, Paris, Rome, and Berlin, and also considering Greece, Spain, and Turkey.

“And while I’m at it,” the commissioner said, “we have thirty teams right now and, frankly, some of them suck both on the court and at the box office. I mean, who wants to watch a bunch of losers like the Sacramento Kings or the Washington Wizards or the Indiana Pacers or the, uh … um … what’s that team in Louisi- … oh, yeah, the New Orleans Pelicans?

“So we’re thinking of giving the Europeans a shot at buying and relocating them, and maybe a couple of other teams that aren’t drawing shit. I’m sure (Los Angeles Clippers owner) Steve Ballmer and (Brooklyn Nets owner) Joe Tsai are sick of playing second fiddle to cooler, more popular teams in their cities and would love to relocate,” Silver said. “Hell, if I could move my office from Manhattan to the Riviera I’d be gone in a fucking minute.”