By BRUCE LOWITT
The addition of a glitzy ballroom to the White House is only the first stage of President Donald Trump’s plan to reimagine federal properties including the Pentagon, Lincoln Memorial, Mount Rushmore, and the Grand Canyon.
“This stuff is old, often boring, and generally useless,” America’s last president and first king said during a grift-a-thon at the recently-renamed Melania Monument, originally opened in 1888 to honor America’s first president.
He said he had planned to rename the Kennedy Center for his third wife “because we know how much that guy liked hot broads, but she can’t carry a tune for shit, so I decided to honor her with the nation’s biggest dildo.”
“What this country needs is a lot more … uh, what’s the word? … Pizzazz. Oomph. Juice,” he said. “I mean, look at the War Building – that’s the Pentagon’s name as long as it’s around. It’s just stupid looking. Who builds a building with five sides?”
Trump said the new War Building is going be “huge, tall, a hundred stories, not like that flat cookie-cutter piece of crap. It’s going to look like rockets taking off to bomb the shit out of Venezuela and Iran and anyplace else that’s even thinking of saying nasty things about me.”
Trump’s plans for the Lincoln Memorial reportedly include replacing the statue of 16th president with a seated Stephen Miller surrounded by a floor covered with shackled immigrants guarded by Immigration and Custom Enforcement guards, and will be renamed the ICE House.
The walls now etched with Lincoln’s most famous quotes will be sandblasted and replaced with some of Miller’s, including, “I will say and I will do things that no one else in their right mind would do.” And “I would be happy if not a single refugee foot ever again touched American soil.” And “I dream of nailing a hot chick down in Tijuana but I wouldn’t want to drink her water.”
Trump said the change to Mount Rushmore will be “minor. I’m just replacing Washington’s face with mine. I mean, he’s already on the money, and D.C. and a whole fucking state are named after him, not to mention dozens of cities and towns and parks and universities and bridges and shit.”
The Grand Canyon, Trump said, “is nothing but a gigantic hole. I mean, what’s the big deal? You’ve seen one hole you’ve seen them all. We fill that thing and we build the hotels and casinos and theme parks and convention centers and shit we were going to put in Gaza before I fucked up that plan by ending the fighting there.”
“Which reminds me, now can I get my Nobel Peace Prize?”
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