By BRUCE LOWITT
World Athletics, the global governing body for track and field, said more than ninety-five percent of female athletes have completed sex testing for next week’s World Athletics Championships in Japan, but testing of the testers is lagging behind due to their unwillingness to identify how and with whom they conducted the tests.
“This has been a whole sport response to a principle that we all believe in, which is to protect the female category,” World Athletics President Sebastian Coe said. “But I’m told many of the testers took their responsibilities to another level and went far beyond just genetic screening to determine the athlete’s sex at birth. In fact, it’s my understanding that next year we may be hearing about a surge in births by athletes we’ve tested … and maybe infections, too.”
“To be honest, I’d like to have tested German sprinter Alica Schmidt and Australian hurdler Michelle Jenneke,” Coe added, “but unlike some of our testers, I’d have worn protection. I mean nobody wants to catch … uh … um … a cold or the flu, right?”
The remainder of the tests have to be done in Tokyo with the French and Norwegian teams, both countries where testing for non-medical reasons is banned, “but we rejected a proposal by the French,” Coe said, “that the testing be speeded up by doing both teams simultaneously using the Ménage à trois method.”
World Athletics was formerly known as the International Amateur Athletic Federation, “but we changed the name,” said Karena Vleck, chief operating office and general counsel, “when we discovered that a hefty portion of the athletes were working as professionals, and I’m not talking about athletics, if you know what I mean. In fact, quite a number of the athletes in these championships taught the testers quite a few positions that have absolutely nothing to do with hurdles, pommel horses or anything else we use.”
“I mean, I’ve heard of Missionary and Lotus,” Vleck said, “but can anyone tell me, what the hell are Piecemeal, Trapezoidal, Hemingway, the Flying Cowboy, and the Lounge Act?”
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