Trump: On Second Thought, I Need You

By BRUCE LOWITT

In a stunning policy reversal, President Donald Trump said he was rescinding his orders requiring the detention of people based on the color of their skin, speaking Spanish or accented English, and their presence at places where low-salaried day laborers gather, saying his decision is based on what he called “the self-preservation of my empire.”

“Normally I’d tell my immigration people to get these bad hombres the fuck out of here, but lately I’ve been receiving a lot complaints from high-paying guests at my great hotels in Chicago, Miami, New York, Las Vegas, and wherever the hell the one in Virginia is,” Trump said. “They’re saying their rooms aren’t being cleaned to their satisfaction, front-desk people and food servers don’t know what they’re doing, and no one is willing to plunge their toilets.

“And that’s only half of it.” the president went on. “I’ve got magnificent golf courses all over the country, like in Los Angeles, New York, and New Jersey, not to mention Trump International five minutes from Mar-a-Lago in West Palm Beach, and the people who pay hundreds of dollars for the thrill of playing at one of them are bitching that the grounds are raggedy, housekeeping sucks, and golf carts are broken. I mean, what the fuck?”

The president initially demanded that immigration officers now limit their arrests to “brown people who don’t work in hotels or golf clubs, to round up those people and transport them to a training center I’m setting up where they’ll be taught the right way to make a bed, to use a telephone, to mow a green, stuff like that.”

But ICE ran into a problem because too few of the officers spoke Spanish and the immigrants spoke no English, pretended not to, or claimed they were workers employed in the beef and poultry business.

Trump said he didn’t care about that until he got a call from Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins. “She told me if I wanted to keep eating Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonald’s hamburgers, and wanted them to stay in business without prices going through the roof, that I shouldn’t touch those workers, or anyone else who works on a farm.”

Rollins told reporters she also warned Trump, “If’n you want to lose the South and the Midwest in 2026, go ahead and go after the farmworkers. Everybody who eats grits or hush puppies or fried okra or rice or potatoes – and those prices keep goin’ up like they are – they’re going to want a piece of you, Mr. President, and from the photographs I’ve seen of you in shorts on a golf course, there’s plenty of you to go around.”