Mister Rodgers, stay out of our neighborhood

By BRUCE LOWITT

Quarterback Aaron Rodgers has called an audible, switching signals by telling the Pittsburgh Steelers, the New York Giants “and any other National Football League team interested in signing me” that he wants his final season to end with another Super Bowl victory “and I won’t join any club that’s not a runaway favorite to get it.”

Rodgers’ announcement stunned David Dunn, his agent since 2008. Dunn, chairman and CEO of Athletes First, who has managed Rodgers since Green Bay made him its first-round pick in 2005 , has represented other mostly second-tier NFL quarterbacks including Mark Glennon, Mark Sanchez, Colt McCoy, Nick Foles, and Landry Jones.

“I thought we had the Steelers in the bag, so to speak, after the Jets unloaded him and Minnesota, New Orleans and the Giants passed on signing him,” Dunn said. “Granted, we don’t think Pittsburgh has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the Super Bowl but I figured he’d at least want to go out a winner, even if that meant a 9-8 winning record to wash off the stink of the Jets’ 5-12 shitstorm last season.”

Rodgers said he has limited his options for his twenty-first and final season to the reigning Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles and defending AFC champion Kansas City Chiefs, plus the Detroit Lions, Buffalo Bills, Baltimore Ravens, and Washington Commanders “or whatever the fuck they’re going to call that team when they finally get rid of that stupid name.”

Dunn acknowledged, though, that Rodgers has been a tough sell among the teams he’s been contacting on behalf of the 41-year-old quarterback with the NFL’s all-time regular-season career passer rating (102.6), four MVP seasons, and a long list of NFL records.

“Brett Veach (the Chiefs’ general manager) laughed so hard that he admitted he wet his pants when I said Aaron could teach (Patrick) Mahomes a few things,” Dunn said. “Other GMs, like (Detroit’s) Brad Holmes, (Buffalo’s) Brandon Beane, and (Baltimore’s) Eric DeCosta either slammed down the phone when they heard my voice or refused to take my call.

“(Washington’s) Adam Peters said he’d hire my quarterback if I could bring back Sammy Baugh,” Dunn added. “Oh, and Eagles GM Howie Roseman? Not surprisingly, just told me to go fuck myself.”

Rodgers’ biggest problem, aside from being 41, apparently, is his reputation as a polarizing player around the league, often criticizing coaches and teammates.

“That’s because they all deserved it,” Rodgers said. “Most of them don’t know shit when it comes to calling signals or devising plays that only I can pull off. Those so-called great quarterbacks in the league today are just riding the coattails of their receivers and offensive lines. Hell, give me some of those pass-catchers and put me behind those tackles and guards and I’d go undefeated.”

Rodgers was the MVP of Super Bowl XLV when he passed for 304 yards and three touchdowns as the Packers defeated Pittsburgh 31-25 to conclude the 2010 season. He has been to the playoffs twelve times in twenty years, but none since the 2021 season and, he said, “I have to admit I never could have gotten through the past three Januarys without all that ayahuasca.”