By BRUCE LOWITT
A look back at the first and last season of Bill Belichick as UNC head football coach and Jordan Hudson as his girlfriend.
May 14: Three days after finishing as second runner-up in the Miss Maine USA Pageant, and first runner-up in 2024, Jordan Hudson blamed her third-place finish on the failure of boyfriend and North Carolina football coach Bill Belichick to wear a suitable Maine-themed tie with his UNC hoodie. “In the future,” she said, “I’ll be deciding what he wears and where he appears and what he says and who he talks to. No more of this sandbagging me like CBS Sunday Morning pulled on him” when he appeared April 27 to promote his slow-selling new book, The Art of Winning.
September 1: Jordan Hudson, wondering what it would be like to have a young prince for a boyfriend instead of an almost cadaver, sneaks into the visitors’ locker room ahead of UNC’s game against Texas Christian University and kisses a dozen Horned Frogs before being forcibly removed from the lips of TCU quarterback Josh Hoover.
September 6: Overhearing coach Bill Belichick tell his players, “Don’t take Charlotte lightly,” Jordan Hudson tells friends, “He’d better not be seeing someone behind my back. I will cut a bitch,” before being told the UNC Charlotte 49ers are a mediocre football squad.
September 13: A terrified Jordan Hudson spends the morning throwing up after spraying her entire residence and herself the night before with Hot Shot, an ant, roach, and spider killer, when she reads that “the Spiders will be invading Chapel Hill,” not knowing about the nickname of the University of Richmond.
October 1: With the game against visiting Clemson three days away, UNC coach Bill Belichick accedes to girlfriend Jordan Hudson’s demand, demoting Director of Spirit Programs Brown Walters to water boy for home games and installing Hudson as chief cheerleader.
October 26: The morning after UNC’s upset loss to visiting Virginia, Jordan Hudson calls a news conference to complain that “Bill’s no better coaching a college offense than he was coaching New England’s,” and says she’ll leave him “if he doesn’t do something about it.” Belichick then names Jordan UNC’s defensive coordinator, replacing his son, Steve, whom he names “my new chauffeur.”
October 31: After Syracuse’s Rickie Collins passes for 478 yards and six touchdowns, normally passive Bill Belichick pitches a fit in the locker room when his new defensive coordinator blames UNC’s 48-45 loss “on our crappy offense.” Jordan Hudson also says the Tar Heels “can’t recruit worth a shit because of our, excuse my French, pussy uniforms.” Belichick takes over running the defense and names Jordan offensive coordinator.
November 23: Following losses to Stanford, Wake Forest, and Duke, UNC offensive coordinator Jordan Hudson resigns, saying the Tar Heels’ problem “is that we’re stupid compared to those other schools, and that’s probably another reason why I finished third in the Miss Maine pageant. I’m smarter than our players as well as those two skanks ahead of me.”
November 27: Coach Bill Belichick resigns two days before UNC ends its season with a fourth consecutive loss to North Carolina State and takes over as head coach of the NFL’s winless New York Giants following the firing of Brian Daboll. Belichick, at 73, becomes the NFL’s second-oldest head coach. Jordan Hudson dumps Belichick and sets her sights on 74-year-old Raiders coach Pete Carroll.
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