ACME: “The Best or Bust”

By BRUCE LOWITT

With the sudden emergence of the torpedo bat as baseball’s hottest new offensive tool, the ACME Corporation, best known as the supplier of insane weaponry for Wile E. Coyote in his relentless pursuit of the RoadRunner, has jumped into the sports market with devices like rocket shoes and giant rubber bands to improve the performance of various athletes.

“¡Santa mierda. Estos zapatos con motor a reacción son fantásticos!” (“Holy shit. These jet engine shoes are fantastic!”), 38-year-old San Diego catcher Martin Maldonado, generally considered the slowest runner in the Major Leagues, shouted after his four stolen bases Monday exceeded by one his total steals over 14 previous seasons.

“Damn, if these shoes had been around when I was with Philly, they wouldn’t have needed (Saquon) Barkley,” said Elijah Holyfield, undrafted out of Georgia and considered one of the NFL’s slowest players during a failed running back career – three seasons (2019-21) on the Eagles, Panthers, and Bengals practice squads plus a few games on Philadelphia’s active squad but never in a game.

The Eagles also have tested the ACME Giant Rubber Band, which could replace the “tush push” the NFL is now debating. “The beauty of it,” quarterback Jalen Hurts said, “is that I can take the snap from 30 yards behind the line and when the running backs let go of the rubber band I can fly into the end zone – as long as I don’t slam into the goal posts.”

Major League Baseball’s Competition Committee decided, after spring-training tests, that the ACME Trick Balls, which explode on contact, are too dangerous. But for now, the the ACME Artificial Hole that swallows up a runner when spread in the basepaths, has been given conditional approval.

“Funny as hell,” said Rays shortstop Taylor Walls, “when Kyle (Higashioka of Texas) tried to stretch a double into a triple and vanished right in front of me. From now on that hole will always be in my pocket.”

The ACME Extend-a-Glove, which enables an outfielder to catch a ball headed for the upper deck, already has allowed Seattle leftfielder Randy Arozarena to steal home runs from Spencer Torkelson of the Tigers and Matt Chapman of the Giants. “If I’d had this with the Rays five years ago we’d have beaten the damned Dodgers in the World Series,” Arozarena said.

The ACME Bed Springs, attachable to any footwear, have taken WNBA star Crystal Dangerfield to dangerously new heights. The Los Angeles Sparks’ 5-foot-5 point guard, who can dunk (barely) without help, tried them in a workout in LA’s Crypto-com Arena and crashed into the scoreboard 27 feet above center court. “Wow … and Ow!” she said.

Also being tested for the next few weeks: the ACME Dehydrated Boulder, which a catcher can deploy with just a drop of water in front of home plate to block a runner.

“Maybe if I’d had one I’d still be playing, and wouldn’t gotten concussions and been injured so much,” said Hall of Fame baseball catcher Joe Mauer, who retired after 15 seasons. “And if Ray Fosse had it in the 1970 All-Star Game, his career would’ve been a lot better and freakin’ Pete Rose’s would have been a lot shorter.”

The White Sox are panicking early and have applied for permission to employ the ACME Smoke Screen Bomb or the ACME Tornado Seeds or the ACME Earthquake Pills or the ACME Snow Cloud Seeder or the ACME Lightning Bolts (with Fat Free Rubber Gloves), “because after what this club did last season and our shit start this year,” manager Will Venable said, “we need a way to get games called early on account of whatever the fuck excuse we can come up with.”