Vance: Red-faced in Greenland

By BRUCE LOWITT

The visit Friday by Vice President JD Vance and his mail-order bride, Usha, to Greenland didn’t go as well as planned, a U.S. government spokesperson said, “starting with their arrival at Pituffik Space Base, when Usha Vance kept saying ‘pitty-fuck’ as she and her husband deplaned.”

When Vance tried to correct his wife on the pronunciation of the base she muttered, “I was talking about you, darling.”

The government spokesman said another problem was that “from the moment they stepped off the plane here on the northwest coast of this Arctic island, they just kept saying things like, ‘Christ, it’s cold,’ and ‘I’m fucking freezing,’ and, ‘Who the fuck would even want to spend any time here?’ and a few other less complimentary observations.”

Vance, fresh from his participation in the Signal chat screwup in which seemingly classified attack plans on Houthis in Yemen were discussed on an unsecure app, denied that President Donald Trump ordered him to accompany his wife on the trip to, as a White House aide recalled Trump saying, “get him as far the hell away from me as possible before he ruins what’s left of my reputation.”

JD and Usha Vance decided to forgo visits to Nuuk, Greenland’s capital, and Ilulissat, home of a UNESCO World Heritage Site, because, as the vice president said, “the folks here seemed a bit testy, like the way they suggested wanted to kill us and take over the space base and nuke Mar-a-Lago and (Washington) D.C.”

According to various sources, more than 90 percent of Greenland’s population of 56,000 were protesting Trump’s calls to make the world’s largest island America’s 51^st state as well as the uninvited Americans’ visit, carrying signs reading Yankee go home and We are not for sale, and Make America Go Away and fascisti-veq pualasooq sungaartoq aappaluaartoq fucke!

The Vances were joined by White House National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, and his wife, Julia Nesheiwat. Waltz, who accepted the blame for the Signal chat breach, said he wasn’t given a seat for the return flight to the United States, which he assumed was a mistake.

But he insisted he wouldn’t accept the post of chief of security at Pituffik if he gave up his national security position, saying, “Christ, it’s cold,” “I’m fucking freezing,” and “Who the fuck would even want to spend any time here?”