By BRUCE LOWITT
Partial transcript of the TikTok group chat involving President Donald Trump, Vice President JD Vance, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, Senior Trump Advisor Stephen Miller, National Security Advisor Michael Waltz and others conducted March 25 in a SCIF (Stupidly Concocted Inept Forum):
President Trump: “… but before we talk about invading Iceland, I’d like …”
Pete Hegseth: “Greenland.”
Trump: “Iceland, Greenland, what’s the difference? Before we talk about that, I’d like to clear up some really important stuff. Melania’s birthday is a month away and I need to know what she …”
Russian First Deputy Prime Minister Denis Manturov: “Flowers, candy and ticket to Broadway show. Musical. Not boring, serious talky play.”
Trump: “Of course. Thanks. Who’s that?”
Manurov: “Uh … is , um, Jacob Chansley, Mr. President. Is QAnon Shaman. Good to speaking to you.”
Stephen Miller: “Mr. President, I don’t think that was …”
Pornographic Film Actress Stormy Daniels: “Donald, my birthday was a week ago and I’m still waiting for …”
(Sounds of a scuffle)
Trump: “Uh, thanks, Jacob. Now about that painting of me in Colorado …”
White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles: “Already been taken care of Mr. President. Destroyed and replaced.”
Trump: “Who did the new one?”
Wiles: “I haven’t seen it yet but it’s by … hold on, I’ve got the name … Here it is. Klibansky.”
Trump: “Wait. What’s-her-face from Clinton? She’s a painter now?”
National Intelligence Director Tulsi Gabbard: “No, Mr. President. Not Lewinsky. It’s Klinas- … Kinlow- … Kielbas- …”
Trump: “Never mind. He sounds Polish. Which reminds me. This guy goes into a butcher shop and …”
Vice President Vance: “Mr. President, Mr. President. Before we talk about Pol- … about Greenland, don’t you think we should firm up our attack on Denmark?”
Trump: “Oh, gee. Look at the time. Eric, get my clubs. I’ve got a round of golf scheduled in ten minutes with Diane Hendricks and Miriam Adelson. ‘Bye, guys.”
Michael Waltz: “I was taking about this in line with Mike Flynn at Starbucks and he says the best way to get to Denmark is through Poland.”
German Chancellor Olaf Scholz: “Poland? Vy Poland?”
Waltz: “Flynn says they’re used to it. Wait, who’s that?”
Scholz: “It’s, uh, … Chimmy Carr. Ja, zatz’s who.”
Hegseth: “Poland. Of course. What’s one more army tearing through them? Besides, Viktor Orban’s one of Trump’s best friends. He’ll let us …”
Secretary of State Marco Rubio: “Orban’s Hungary, Pete, not Poland.”
Hegseth: “Are you sure?”
Chinese Premier Li Qiang: “Yes, he sure.”
Hegseth: “Fine. By the way, how’d the whole Yemen Blowfish thing go?”
Waltz: “Blowfish?”
Hegseth: “Wasn’t that it? Hootie and …”
Waltz: “Houthis! It went great and I can’t believe how fucking stupid you …”
Waltz: “Guys, it’s getting late. Let’s wrap this up and …”
Vance: “Hold on. We still have to talk about Ice- … about Greenland. Statehood or another territory?”
Pablo Jose Hernandez Rivera: “Territory. You make it a state and we’re going to be really pissed.”
Gabbard: “Who’s that? And who’s ‘we’?”
Hernandez Rivera: “I’m Pablo, resident commissioner of Puerto Rico and …”
Gabbard: “Never heard of you.”
Hernandez Rivera: “… and a non-voting member of the United States House of Representatives. Y’know, where you spent eight useless years, you puta estúpida.”
(Sounds of glass breaking)
(Recording ends)
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