Trump v. Putin: No contest

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript of the March 18 telephone conversation between Russian President Vladimir Putin and Russian apparatchik President Donald Trump, the recording provided by Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service, 1991 successor to the Komitet Gosudarstvenny Bezonpasnosti (KGB). According to U.S. Central Intelligence Agency Director John Ratcliffe, the CIA was barred by President Trump from recording or even listening to the conversation.

President Vladimir Putin (speaking to an aide): «Эта толстая оранжевая киска на линии?» (“Is that fat orange pussy on the line?”)
Daria Boyarskaya (Putin’s translator): «Да, и он спорит со своим переводчиком.» (“Yes, and he’s arguing with his translator.”)
Putin: «Это должно быть весело, и переговоры с этим гребаным идиотом должны быть легкими.» (“This should be fun and negotiating with this fucking idiot should be easy.”)
Marina Gross (Trump’s translator): “But Mr. President, he called you a …”
President Trump: “I know he called me. I waited half an hour for the phone to ring – and I don’t need you today. I know Russian. I can speak Russian better than their Vice President Michael Mishmosh.”
Gross: “It’s Mikhail Mishutin and he’s their prime minister. They haven’t had a vice president since they abolished the office in nineteen ninety-three.”
Trump: “Jesus, why didn’t I think of that?”
Gross: “Mr. President, Donald, listen …”
Trump: “Get off the line, Marina. I don’t need you. And I especially don’t need you testifying before Congress about anything I say or do.”
Gross: “Fine! (Click)
Putin: «Повесь трубку, Дарья. Я говорю по-английски лучше, чем он.» (“Hang up, Daria. I speak better English than he does.”
Boyarskaya:«Ладно. Развлекайтесь.» (“Okay. Have fun.” Click)
Trump: “Vlad? How’s is going, pal?”
Putin: “Since you got the White House back, the future of Russia and everything we’ve been dreaming of has been looking great.”
Trump: “Couldn’t be happier. Now about Ukraine …”
Putin: “What about it?”
Trump: “Well, I thought we could …”
Putin: “We? Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to call off our special military operation to demilitarize and denazify Ukraine and you’re going to tell Zelenskyy he can be president of Kyyivs’ka and Cherkas’ka and Kirovohrads’ka and whatever else we decide we don’t want as long as he doesn’t interfere with what we are doing …”
Trump: “But …”
Putin: “… and when the cease fire starts there’ll be no more Ukrainian army or air force …”
Trump: “Hold on …”
Putin: “… and whatever’s left of that – what do you call them? Oh, yeah – shithole country can forget about joining NATO. And if Ukraine ever calls you for help of any kind, you’re going to put him on hold and go out and play a round of golf …”
Trump: “Uh …”
Putin: “… and you can tell your buddies on FOX and Newsmax and the rest of our, heh-heh, broadcast subsidiaries that we had a great exchange of ideas and came to an agreement on most of them, including how to divide up the Middle East.”
Trump: “Wait. What? …”
Putin: “ … and you know how you’ve said we’ll be talking about land? We’ll give you Vinnyts’ka and Khmel’nyts’ka and you can combine them into that fifty-first state you keep carrying on about because they won’t be in our way.”
Trump: “In your way?”
Putin: “On our way to Poland.”
Trump: “Jesus Christ! I …”
Putin: “Oh, you don’t want to come out of this looking like the pussy the Democrats say you are, do you?”
Trump: “Um, okay. Fine. But how about the Moscow hotels I want to build?”
Putin: “I’ll get back to you on that.”
Trump: “Great. Well, now that everything’s settled, we’ve got an hour or two to kill. What would you like to talk about?”
Putin: “Where do you think Aaron Rodgers is going to end up?”